What I am up to...and other random events

turning a new page...

2009-07-26T20:07:00.001-07:00

so, all my few and faithful readers. i am starting a new blog. (kind of like starting a new journal)

i guess it is symbolic of a new era

or maybe i just wanted to make my own template.

either way, my new blog is

www.livethelifethatunfolds.blogspot.com

sitting in the kalamazoo train station...

2009-02-03T13:52:00.000-08:00

sitting in the kalamazoo train station this morning. surrounded by an eccentric mosaic. business people on their way into the city for something important. blackberry and laptop in hand. stoic expressions. then there is the clingy boyfriend and girlfriend, unashamedly making out right before he leaves to catch his bus. she puts the hoody on of her printed forever 21 sweatshirt. makeup dissolves genuine depth or expression. the man with the blue dimpled sweater and plaid collared shirt contentedly reads the morning paper. jovial as he converses with the conductor and the passengers he happens to be near. there is also a group of guys. baggy jeans. huge jackets.

and then, amidst this strange concoction of bored, discontent faces are a couple of children. probably four and six years old. a little boy and girl. their mom is tired. hardened. you can almost see the trials under her eyes.

unkept hair, empty expression. she watches her children passively, only interacting with them to yell or rebuke.

the train station seems an empty, hollow inconvenience. waiting for the train which is later than expected. merely sitting. observing. everyone tired

but not the children. the them the station is another world to explore. they run and jump on vacant benches. the hardwood a slide, glossy and inviting.
the seats by the ceiling high windows are an obstacle course.

there is adventure to be found here.

they run back and forth, touching the textures of the walls, laughing...they stop only because they are enthralled by the giant globe-shaped light on the ceiling or the trusses that branch above the canopy of the world.

their mother snaps at them to keep their feet off the benches. but it does not stifle their spirit. she yells at them half-heartedly, because part of her thinks she shouldn't let her children run unchecked in a public place, and perhaps the rest of her doesn't really care because she is so worn.

i sit, observing. wanting to run around with the little girl as she jumps from floor tile to floor tile.

there is a giant compass painted on the floor. i notice it because of the cardinal directions. and i am somewhat impatiently waiting to go west, my thoughts directed to the journey about to commence, and about the destination of the city, and about my week, my next few months, my next few years.

she notices the compass, too. but it is because of the shapes and the colors. the way it ties into the enchantment of the old train station waiting room.

and she runs around the circle, stepping on north, south, east, and west. she is waiting to go somewhere, too. but she is caught up in the beauty of this place. she soaks it in.

and my discontent eyes that at first saw only the mundane,
begin to catch a glimpse of the magical...

2008-11-06T15:59:00.000-08:00

50 years ago african americans had separate drinking fountains and the back seat in the bus.

this week an african american man became president of the united states.

no matter who i voted for
or who you voted for
or what your stance is

that is pretty awesome.

watch this. don't forget.

i do not have faith in humanity. i have even less faith in politicians.

2008-10-18T18:26:00.000-07:00

this isn't about who i think people should or should not vote for. this is about what i think our perspective needs to be when looking at politics. [this is not about my view of obama. this is about how i have seen people view obama (esp. in chicago)].

watch this video

i am ready for this election to be over. i realize that this video was not made by obama or his campaign. but i think it is very telling of the perspective of the masses in america.

first of all:
i get the impression that people are feeling oppressed.
they want change.
they want a "savior" from something.

so what is it that they are looking for salvation from?
yes. there are of course areas where the government and the way that it is run can be changed. there are major flaws. corruption. waste. i have spent time in the urban poor and rural poor communities. i am not saying everything is as it should be. far from it.

but i have also spent time in places where there is no water.
no electricity. no educational opportunities at all. i have sat in an understaffed orphanage, pulled a rusty thumbtack out of a little girl's mouth, and wondered if i was the only person to hold her...really hold her...that day.
there are other places i have not been, where children are brainwashed to be soldiers to survive.
there are places where women are forced by their families into prostitution to appease the gods.
where there is no food.
where governments kill those who do not hold to a certain religion.
where children scrounge in the garbage dump every day, not just some of the children, but all of the children in the entire community.
places where candidates do not care one bit to serve their people...and they don't even try or pretend to care.

i am tired of americans acting as if we have no rights, as if we have no opportunities, as if we are "hopeless."

why can't we just have a normal election?

secondly:

i believe that we are constantly aching for eternity. for that ideal world. for perfection. and that will not be achieved by any politician, nor by any government.
we want to ascribe hope to the tangible. to that which is immediate.
but this world is tainted. it is fallen. humanity cannot fully redeem it.
and while we struggle and work to "make this world a better place" let us not get caught up in the lie that we will be fulfilled this side of eternity.
i voted. i have my opinions. but i am not afraid if "the other guy" wins. to be honest, i won't even be that upset. because my hope is not in the person that i cast my ballot for.

perspective.

feed the birds.

2008-10-08T21:23:00.000-07:00

she does exist.
i saw her a couple of days ago at the park.
but she wasn't what i expected.
black jacket with red accents.
black skirt. stockings.
clean polished shoes.
classy.
refined.
eccentric.
knitted tan beret on her well-kept short gray hair.
red flowers on her hat.
perfectly matched.
white fluffy dog.
red leash.
a bag of bread she pulled out of her purse.
and i watched as she went up to a tree with an unusual low hanging branch.
a branch with shelves.
a branch that knows her well, that has maybe known her for years and years.
and she broke of chunks of bread while her little dog watched, carefully and deliberately placed the bread on the crevices of the overhanging branch and said sweetly:

"dinnertime."

a few more pieces of bread.

"dinnertime!"

and first a few, then several small and kind birds flew to the branch from the surrounding trees where I am sure they often come to wait for their supper.

trees and chaff

2008-09-19T09:44:00.000-07:00

darkness. it seems so suffocating. impossible to penetrate with light, let alone destroy it. it is so rooted in everything...strangling and entwining so many things, even the beautiful are tainted.

even the good most often comes with the bad.
and it is unbreakable.
and goodness seems to be the one under water
frantically kicking, scrambling, gasping for breath
about to be engulfed and killed by evil.

and i believe this lie.

because i have put permanence on the temporary
and given weight to the opacity of now

"for the wicked are like chaff" will blow away
the deeds of darkness unsustainable
unremembered
in the white hot light of Goodness, of Truth, of Judgment and Grace

the righteous trees are planted by the River of Life
roots immersed in rich, cool water
true substance. fruitful.

and through this eternal lens i am reminded that while even the smallest light can extinguish and disrupt a world of dark,
the greatest darkness can never extinguish even a spark.

3 days. 40 hours of driving. So worth it.

2008-09-10T11:08:00.000-07:00

myself and three friends piled into a crv at 3 am friday morning. our destination: houston, tx. we started out strong, with a slight detour into duncan donuts to grab some coffee. after some inquisitive looks from the workers, and equipped with coffee and muffin in hand, we started out strong again.

things i learned on the way down.
1. there is absolutely nothing in oklahoma
2. i need to update my music collection. (i was the only one who brought music, and since i haven't bought anything in years and years we were forced to listen to music that was popular 10 years ago. however, the blast from the past kept the morale up).
3. gas is way cheaper in the middle of nowhere where stations are few and far between. gas is more expensive in the big cities where there are stations everywhere...does this seem backwards?
4. always road trip with cool people (which we did) our trip was full of silliness and depthful conversations.
5. beware of pranks your friends may pull on you when you are in the gas station bathroom. (they put a life size cardboard cut out of a nascar man right outside the door).
the wedding was in houston on saturday, so on friday we stopped in dallas for the night. my friend's friend's parents live there in an awesome house (we had our own showers in our rooms, and they fed us wonderful food). also, we were spoiled by being able to use their hot tub and pool after a long day of driving.
we awoke the next morning, and another friend met up with us in dallas to ride with us to houston

4 hours later
we quickly change into our dresses, and watch beautiful loren get married.
unfortunately, we got the giggle in the middle of the vows, but were able to keep it together until the end of the ceremony.
the wedding was beautiful and tasteful, and it was strange to see so many moodies there so far away from chicago.

we got back to dallas at 4 am on sunday (barely awake, near car accident with a drunk driver) and left at 10 am to get back to chicago.

things i learned on the way back
1. what the restaurant "sonic" is. i had never heard of it. am i the only one?
2. it is fun to listen to celtic music at sunset
3. you can reprank your friends with the same prank they did to you at the same gas station bathroom.
4. you cannot purchase life size card board cut outs of nascar drivers at gas stations. (i asked if we could buy it, unfortunately there will be an auction that we will miss...nascar man will go to the highest bidder...sad i won't be there).
5. i spent less than $100 to go to texas for the week-end with some of my favorite people in the world.

deeply

2008-08-14T08:04:00.001-07:00

it is impossible to believe how quickly this summer has gone by...
and now-as fall approaches-the usual associations keep drifting into my mind
my favorite season
of new beginnings
but this time around-it will be different.
no longer is my life scheduled by classes, no need to buy a brand new package of my favorite note-taking pens, notebooks, syllabuses

moving into my dorm, buying text books
replaced by the job search
paying off debt
reading whatever book i want in the local coffee shop
waiting for...?

a time of transition?

life is transition

so-i strive to

live the life that unfolds before me
to love goodness more than i fear evil

to breath deeply
drink deeply
hurt deeply
love deeply

to follow Him closely

to keep playing my guitar for strangers
to have conversations of Truth in the local bar or coffee shop
constantly aware

always searching
finding
struggling
seeking

worshiping.

a random glimpse of random things

2008-05-24T20:48:00.001-07:00

i wake up in the morning in my apartment on bosworth,
sunlight through the big tree outside creates dancing patterns that
take over the old wood floor, gently waking me from sleep as it spills onto my face
the sounds of the city are muffled on this side street

i stumble around unpacked boxes, find the coffee
as it brews i breathe in deeply
journal, pen, Bible on lap-reminded of the power of the gospel
i am older, but still so young...so much to learn
facing the world in new light-having learned so much
living in light of what i've learned

i pick up the red-eye on my way to work
waiting for the el
working on the crossword puzzle with 10 others in my same car
i transfer from the brown line to the red line
commuter
i feel i have entered this adult world of working and coffee and newspapers

but i feel more imaginative than ever
and i still can't help walking down the streets
past old chicago houses
stone lion statues at the front doors
and imagining that they will come to life at any moment and walk down the sidewalk with me

or that the black squirrel outside my window in the tree might at any moment start speaking to me
and i never want to stop absorbing
or drinking in
or remembering

i store memories like dandelion wine in the cellar
finding beauty in the mundane
and adventure in the drudgery

...i babysit for a family in the city-last time i watched the kids they locked me in the (playground tower) until i told them were the treasure was. i told them i wouldn't tell them until they brought me the purple flower from the highest mountain (around the side of the house)
they brought it back-demanding i tell them where the treasure is.
i told them i tricked them-and that the flower gave me magical powers that made me fly...
but then i told them the treasure would be waiting for them in the kitchen...b/c the doorbell rang and the pad-thai had arrived.

israel...the "long condensed unfinished, more to come later" verision

2008-03-24T18:16:00.000-07:00

how do i describe that which was beautiful, fear inducing, oppressive, and enticing all at the same time?
i awake in the morning with a burden on my heart...praying for the peace of that place...yes an external peace, but even more so-one that is found within.

the trip was so much more than a study tour...but how do i describe something to you that pierced the very core of my being? i feel as though a piece of me was taken and now resides there...and i don't think i will be able to shake this feeling.

walking down jerusalem streets
incense
dreadlocks
side-curls
falafel
wailing wall
call to prayer
head scarves
prayers of the faithful and the mistaken
tension
idolotrous religiosity
gold painted relics
longing for peace
hungry for Truth
empty
searching
crying
bitter
angry
skeptical because of history
tradition without reason
mountains
desert
salt sea
galilee
wilderness

journal excerpts:
i am sitting by the sea of galilee. i am surrounded by water and mountains. it is amazing to be in this place. this place would have been beautiful either way, but the significance of this place-how it was so central to Jesus' ministry...so many times Jesus and his disciples crossed over this sea. so many times Jesus showed his power and authority at this sea. the disciples driven by fear. Jesus, constantly pointing them to faith. the storms. calming the sea, walking on water, feeding the crowds with loaves and fish. i so often wonder how the disciples could still doubt after all they had seen. how crippling that doubt was. Jesus, in patience and compassion, showing them, reminding them.

this is the first place where they were really filled with great fear and awe. they began to recognize him as more than just a man who would do great things.

yet...i myself am full of doubt and selfish fear. despite what i have seen Him do in my life. i am the same as the disciples. i don't have much faith. i am skeptical. oh, Jesus, help my unbelief. You have done so much more than walk on water. carry me, because i am weak. i forget Your great power...the power of the Gospel.

Jerusalem: the center of the world...of so much conflict, tension, significance.

driving through this city. tons of people. the ultra orthadox, the average, hasidic sects...eavesdropping on bar-mitzvah plans of a family at the museum today, the call to prayer sounding over mosques, synagogues, and tourist traps. learning the history of the jewish people. seeing the fulfillments of prophecy as they return to this land.

this city, where blood and sweat, the great conversations and speeches, one of the most talked about places, tonight i walked down the streets eating mint ice cream, bartering with shop owners, drinking in the culture of a thousand cultures and of one foundational tradition.

western wall: i am at the western wall. millions of paper shoved into cracks on the wall. the wailing wall has been the point of so much contention. women kissing rock. as they sway, adding more force to their prayers, trying to be near the holy place. they wait for messiah. the long for peace...i hear the call to prayer in the distance. on the walk here, and even now i smell incense, as i walk on this jerusalem stone, walked on by so many people, trickling with blood of so many battles, the fear of so many things, of suicide bombs, of terrorists, a people returned to their land, but blind to their messiah. as weeds and roots grow out of the cracks of the dry western wall..God, please breath life back to this land...

substance

2008-03-07T21:44:00.000-08:00

i cling to that which is dead.

my roots are not tied to rich earth
but to sun-bleached sand.

i cling to myself.
to my world.
to my expressions and fears.
i don't need HIM enough.

i try to find meaning in nothingness.
value in surface.
energy wasted.

rain falls
sand is washed away as quickly as the coming of the tide

i cling to emptiness.
i thought i was holding on to substance

deceived.

but now i am stripped of all
wallowing in the mud

and it usually takes spit and mud
before sight is restored

...YOU never stop holding me

"fear not" continued

2007-12-14T10:41:00.000-08:00

when we fear, we live in bondage...
this photo is one in my final portfolio

Fear Not

2007-12-05T21:22:00.000-08:00

it all started with me and two friends sitting in the lobby of the grand lux, waiting for our "party of 25" to arrive. while we waited, i read in my best scottish accent the first few chapters of the book of jeremiah. seems like a strange place to read about God disciplining Israel and the nations that oppress them, i know. [just to give you some context, my friends have to read through the entire old testament this semester, so we were getting through some chapters while we waited...not sure why i read it to them in a scottish accent...]

there is something about reading scripture out loud that makes you hear it, process it, and want to know more. the book of jeremiah would have never been my next choice to read (i just finished 1 and 2 peter), but after reading those few chapters that night, i decided that i would go there next.

Jeremiah 39-44
the context [yes, i go to mbi]
jerusalem has just fallen to the babylonians. this is something that God has been warning the people of judah about for the last few chapters. the people are taken into exile. the captain of the guard allows the poor people who own nothing to stay in the land of judah, and gives them vineyards and fields. [there is a theme throughout scripture that when israel stays in the land God promises-they are blessed, when they leave the land-often because of God's discipline-blessing leaves as well]

the conflict
jeremiah stays in judah with this remnant. the leaders of this remnant tell jeremiah that they will do whatever the Lord tells them to do. they promise to obey the Lord, no matter what.
jeremiah tells the remnant that God wants them to remain in the land. they are not to go to egypt. the Lord says that if they remain in the land, he will build them up and bless them.

the people don't want to hear it. they tell jeremiah he is lieing. they are still in

FEAR

of the babylonians. they think they will be handed over to them.

THEY DON'T OBEY BECAUSE THEY FEAR MAN MORE THAN THEY FEAR GOD.

they go to egypt. their promise to obey God was just lipservice. they have seen God work in mighty ways. yet they still FEAR man, more than this GOD who is

the GUIDER of nations!

and they missed out on this amazing blessing that God had for them.

[sounds a lot like the tendencies in my life]
Ed Welch says "You will either fear man, or you will fear God. What you fear controls you."

but despite our failings, God is faithful.
God judges Israel, and the nations that oppress them. but he will remain faithful in his promise.
jeremiah 46:27 "but fear not, o jacob my servant, nor be dismayed o israel, for behold, i will save you from far away, and your offspring from the land of captivity."

fall as prologue

2007-09-19T21:54:00.000-07:00

i was so excited the other day when i walked outside and the wind seemed to have a bit of an edge to it. not too much, just that slight bite that makes you put on a warm sweater or hoodie and go for walks without sweating. i love fall, i love spring-those transition seasons that find the happy medium between stifling hot and freezing cold. for some, fall is a nearing of the end of a chapter...the part of the story where the climax starts coming down and there is a foreshadowing of the ending, of the conclusion.

i don't think of fall as a conclusion.

i think of fall as a prologue. as the start of something.

its true that the trees are losing their leaves.
and crops are being harvested-indicating the ending of much labor
the calendar year is coming toward the last months

but with the coming of fall i anticipate so many things, that it cannot mean a conclusion...

the changing, dieing leaves remind me of how pain fosters growth and prepares me for what is next. it shows me the beauty of dieing to myself, of getting rid of that within me that keeps me from knowing HIM.

the harvested crops are a joy to see, but it reminds me that there is more ground ahead to plant, and that workers are few. it reminds me to prepare for the work that is in front of me...to not get caught in the mundane

the last months are those that are meaningful with friends and family-a time to reflect over the year, but even more to plan for what is coming. future decisions.

for me, the first season is fall, a time to refresh and prepare...knowing that the hard trials of winter will test me, that the joy of spring will encourage me, the drudgery of summer will remind me of my conviction, and that once again fall will come with that cool breeze to make me

pause
rest
reflect

anticipate

as i wear my favorite sweater and envelop with my rosy, cold hands a mug of hot apple cider...

i will reflect...
but i will also take what i have learned
and write a prologue for the next year
so that each volume in my life's story
will be richer, more meaningful...

and i hope most of all- that evidences of HIS grace will be increased on every page

to love

2007-09-09T13:53:00.000-07:00

This is a great song-it reminds me, encourages me...
reminds me that to love is painful, beautiful, and worth fighting for

Ups and Downs by Kendall Payne

All that I've found through the ups and downs
Is that I'd have it no other way
Life in the raw is both fragile and strong
It's both lovely and ugly the same
Who can attest that when they're at their best
Oh their worst is still crouching close behind
It's coming to peace with the darkness in me
That allows the true light to shine inside
So let it go, for we are still far from home
Though you try and try to escape
To live and to love will always be dangerous
But it's better than playing it safe
We are composed of a symphony of notes
Every life is as music to His ears
I'll play my melody be it haunting be it sweet
Unashamed of what anyone might hear
So when the load breaks your back and your will
You must still keep your heart in the game
To live and to love will always be dangerous
But it's better than playing it safe
So let it go, when it don't feel like home
When inside is your only escape
To live and to love will always be dangerous
But would you want it any other way?

check out my Hungary trip blog!

2007-06-18T08:20:00.000-07:00

I am going to Hungary in one week! I will be there the rest of the summer.

I have created another blog, and will be posting regular updates

check it out at

http://maryinhungary.blogspot.com

(inspired from a lecture on the theology of leisure)

2007-04-25T16:46:00.000-07:00

right now i should be working on my paper that is due tomorrow

but instead i am updating my blog

i like blogging, and i love the amazing things that techonology can offer us
i think that there are amazing bridges and connections that God has given us throught the use of technology...

but hypocritically (sp?) as i take part in this somewhat "artifical world," i wonder how much of blogging, myspace, facebook, etc is really just an escape...at least i can see it as being that way for college students.

we are a culture and generation which not only refuses to sit still or to focus on things in our immediate situations, but is almost incapable of doing so. we want immediate satisfaction. we feel as though we are entitled to something. so instead of taking the time to sit still and study for a few hours, utterly focused, we i.m. our friends in often shallow conversations

instead of working hard for a long time on a project, we spend hours scrolling through different people's profiles
and then are required to stay up late to finish them
we are stressed and tired because we haven't used our time well

and have not worked hard
we have scraped by and sometimes spent our hours on things that don't really matter

and thus-do not have time to rest
this unrest we create for ourselves.

we create our own profiles...and lets not kid ourselves-we put our best foot forward, and create an image of who we are, letting people see what we want them to see

safely removed from them
safely longing for depth...and yet the two simply do not go hand in hand.

there is no patience. no self-control. we live as those with no hope because we are often too content-and this leads to self-pity. our abundance and easy lifestyle leaves us addicted to comfort, when something becomes hard to handle, the lie that we deserve better is ready to rise up and we are not content.

life becomes drudgery-a quiet desperation-because we have been filling ourselves with fast-food and cotten candy rather than the true substance of the Bread of Life. we can't embrace the day because we are always looking to the next thing.

to fall asleep at night exhausted because i have run well, worked hard, and accomplished what was required...
and to have that work ethic carry through so that i can rest and embrace life to the fullest-in the Fullest Sense of what Fullness means-and that Fullness only comes from Him who say "Come, all who are thirsty, Come buy bread, and wine and milk. buy without money and without cost.. Why spend money on what is not bread? and your labor on what does not satisfy? listen, listen to Me and eat what is good and your soul will delight in the richest of fare..."

okinawa

2007-03-30T22:55:00.000-07:00

it has been almost a week since we returned from japan, and most of the team is still trying to recover from the fourteen hour time difference, travel, and keeping with school life and schedules.
if there is only one thing i am allowed to say about my experience in okinawa-

a beautiful gift...

however, i can say a lot more : )

every morning i would look outside our apartment window (located on okinawa christian school international grounds) and see the ocean nearby, just beyond the small town of yomitan. one day we walked down to the beautiful water (the china sea) combing the beach, finding hermit crabs, sea urchins

and i just stood there with rashelle
neither one of us spoke
we just stood there, face to the salty wind
silently worshipping
drinking in
not just the sight of sunset and fog barely revealing another island in the distance
but of the rhythm of the waves
the smells

the video shooting for the project went well
we interviewed some of the most adorable children on the planet
some of the most dedicated, faithful missionaries i have ever met
and tried to capture the heart, vision, and life of the school

we had the amazing privelage and challenge of leading all chapels
i borrowed a guitar
acted in some skits
and had the opportunity to share about the cost of following Jesus Christ

and as i was speaking to them i was reminded again of that cost-what it means to surrender
and that following Jesus Christ is what i was created for
and that it is in Him that i will only be satisified completely-with certain hope - unafraid

and i was reminded that my life is not my own, the path that i try so hard to lay out for myself is really in the hands of He who gives me my very breath

being in that place, learning about the war and how it forever changed and affected that island
eating traditional food, shopping in the supermakert
talking to people who have lived there their entire lives

in many ways i began to understand more about my culture, my heritage, my family...
and it was like a part of me had woken up
and i could finally completely breath, and understand
and feel

it was strange
yet familliar
painful
yet healing
hard
yet refreshing

and i cannot wait to go back again

the library

2007-02-22T14:06:00.000-08:00

a building that i have passed so many times
on the street corner

another world

we walk up the marble steps into a lobby
on the right we explore caligraphy in the exhibit room
i recognize a variety of quotations

wiesel
van gogh
the psalms
the mishnah
an artists own words

we walk up the winding staircase
its hard wooden railing the bearer of many hands
of intellects
fellows
of many cultures
worldviews
religions

the old and the young filling their heads with knowledge of a thousand books
reducing
analyzing
discussing
creating truth

we enter the world of academia
the cartography room
the reading room
a conference room with dark green padded folding chairs
a long, deep, heavy oak conference table
the walls surrounding display oil paintings of important scholars
green reading lamps
the smells of dust
books left on the shelf

the smells of aged, seeking, deep, elite

saturday morning

2007-01-30T13:50:00.000-08:00

saturday morning i woke up before my alarm-just laying in bend, thinking. and i don't know what triggered it, but i could almost imagine exactly what a certain place smells like, and a flood of memories would come in. thinking back to last spring break-the smell of the bahamas: suntan lotion, heat, dusty air from fans, the cool breeze by the ocean, sand, waves, the beauty of a million stars on a clear night, the hot bus, it is amazing the power of the senses-to recall, retain, and keep packed on a dusty shelf until an oppurtune time.

if i try hard, i can remember the smells of the dominican republic, of the country of turkey, of hungary and romania. the love that i have for cultures and the impact of those different countries stays with me...images from the past colliding...a mosque, a woman playing the violin on a street corner, cobblestones, turkish rug shops, banana trees, fresh squeezed grapefruit juice, bahamian children jumping into the warm ocean water, an orphanage, flights, sunshine, the call to prayer, castles, mountains, forests, prayer beads, beautiful cathedrals, homes made of tin, and to know that He is the Guider of nations, the Lord of all the nations, and one day every knee will bow!

psalm 67

back to the vineyards

2007-01-01T15:00:00.000-08:00

every time i come home i try to take a walk in the vineyards that surround the house. i remember before leaving for college for the first time i rode my horse in the midst of those rolling vines. and i remember thinking

the next time i return to this place
i will not be the same

there was such an air of expectancy
of anticipation
of excitement knowing that running hard after God yields rich beauty and that i could not remain the same

the past few years when i have gone back to reflect on His faithfulness
goodness
wisdom
and steadfast love,
i am amazed at where he has brought me-and those vines are a reminder of remaining in Him and trusting Him

over this past Christmas i was able to take several walks through those fields
the weather was beautiful-and standing in the midst of that open space
overwhelmed at who this God is
thinking about the vinedresser-how He trims and cuts off to make us more effective
stronger
and more able to display His glory

though the rows are currently bare from cold weather-the harvest has long since gone
the gnarly vines laugh under the seeminlgly dismal cover
because they know-sometimes better than i,
that in a few months beautiful green buds will begin to sprout
and pretty soon there will be a blanket of green and purple covering the landscape
and a harvest will be brought in
sweet
rich
beautiful

will i remain the same?

i hope that i never leave that place unmoved
or return to it unchanged

Aslan

2006-12-08T22:23:00.000-08:00

written by kendall payne

Don’t stop your crying on my account
A frightening lion, no doubt
He’s not safe no, he’s not safe
Are you tempted now to run away?
The King above all kings is coming down

But he won’t say the words you wish that he would
Oh he don’t do the deeds you know that he could
He won’t think the thoughts you think that he should
But He is good, He is good.

I know you’re thirsty the water is free
But I should warn you- it’ costs everything
Well, he’s not fair no, he’s not fair
When he fixes what’s beyond repair
And graces everyone that don’t deserve

No-one knows him whom eyes never seen
No, I don’t know him but he knows me
He knows me. He knows me.

Lay down your layers, shed off your skin
But without his incision you can’t enter in
He cuts deep, yeah he cuts deep
When the risk is great and the talk is cheap
But never leaves a wounded one behind

covered

2006-12-02T08:50:00.000-08:00

skating under the lights of the city on cool ice

laying on my back in the middle of the rink and despite the light from chicago
seeing stars straight above

tilting my head back so that i can see the skyline upside down behind me

smoke billowing out of a nearby building
wisping into the black night, disappearing into nothingness

the crunch of snow

beautiful

this morning
sitting in my room as i look out over the white covered land
reflecting on my failings
weaknesses
selfishness
pride

and despite that which distracts
or tries to stifle
and kill

to always see His marvelous grace
covering me as the snow covers the ground

...but not so temporary

my sandals are still stiff

2006-11-03T20:48:00.000-08:00

sometimes it seems as though things are being put together

"t's" are being crossed
and an abstract idea suddenly becomes tangible
and that thing that we have been longing for
is suddenly right in front of us

and that is when the fear begins to rise

my knees begin to shake

because it was so much easier to talk about this

dream about this

pray about this

and when it seems as though something could become reality
i want to shrink back
don't want to get hurt

don't want it to fail

don't want myself to fail

and yet when we look to the ONE whose plan and purpose is unfathomable
i begin to decrease
my issues, reservations,

and on the other side my dreams and ambitions

to let all of those go
and to tie on my still stiff sandals

and break them in by following Him

fall

2006-10-09T17:49:00.000-07:00

walking down the street
crisp, cool, fall day
pulling my jacket a little tighter around me to keep out wisps of fall air
breathing in deep
leaves changing from green to vibrant yellow
cushioning the cold sidewalk as they fall down
circling in the air as cars drive by
as i walk by

clearing my mind
stilling my heart
trusting in His promises

and yes, this is but a season
one that signifies pain

death

the coming of winter

but beauty lurks behind this facade
indeed, a beauty that goes into the very depths of the earth
and into the quiet plainness of those slowly emptying branches
as the process begins, bright colors invade the landscape

then turn to brown, falling to the earth
dry,
broken
crushed by any passerby

but rather than allow this fact to push to despair
i see behind this facade of finality
and i know that in those branches lurks a laughter
a joy

that this is not the end,
but merely a beginning
a time to reflect
to hold fast
and to prepare for the LIFE that is still there

just sleeping...
waiting...
trusting...
hoping... certainly. surely. confidently.

2006-09-30T09:37:00.000-07:00

yesterday i went with some friends who were working on a project for class. they had to interview a diverse group of people on the street, and ask them questions relating to thier views of God, Jesus, the Church...
i brought along my video camera and tried to capture what it was that people are thinking...
the questions made many uncomfortable-one woman agreed to answer the questions, then when we asked "what is your view of God?" she simply stated "i don't want to talk about that" and brushed past us.
some stated the sunday school answer of who Jesus is
some rejected any notion of Him being more than a mere man
some seemed as though they were pondering... views with a mix of scripture, eastern religions,
monastic buddhism...
some had appeared to have never thought about any of this before

and i am challenged...challenged because this amazing place i live in is surrounded by people who have no idea who Jesus Christ truely is
i am made more aware of the diminishing of the notion of Truth
i am burdened and excited about the responsibility of proclaiming that Truth
and utterly dependent on Him to work out His purposes to advance His kingdom of which i have the privelage to play a part...

acts 4
the priests, captain of the temple, sadducees...they realize that this "Jesus thing" hasn't blown over as they had hoped. crucifying a man should have taken care of that, right? now, greatly annoyed that Jesus is still being proclaimed as rising from the dead, and also that a lame man has been undeniably healed, they arrest peter and john...5,000 people believe. the two apostles are questioned "by what power did you do this?"
peter and john are RELENTLESS in thier proclamation of Truth. peter speaks up, the one who had once denied Christ near the same ground, filled with the Holy Spirit, proclaims that the man was healed by the name of JESUS CHRIST...

talk about boldness

that which the rulers had tried to stifle
is spreading like wildfire/out of control
peter continutes.."there is salvation in NO ONE ELSE"
the rulers saw thier boldness, and were astonished that these common, uneducated men were speaking with such boldness, clarity, authority...

they recognized that the apostles had been with Jesus...and commanded them to not speak this to anyone
thier response?

WE CANNOT HELP BUT SPEAK OF WHAT WE HAVE SEEN AND HEARD.

2:44 am

2006-09-02T00:50:00.000-07:00

it is early, early in the morning...and i am still awake
and expect to be for the next hour or so
why? you may ask...
well...i am working on a project
up in an editing suite
and i'm in the "zone"
so rather than go to bed and finish it later
i have decided to pretty much get it done tonight
i'm pretty excited about it
but am not making much rational sense
so hopefully it will turn out
no one really ever reads my blog...so i can write at 2 in the morning
and not very many will read
i haven't had contact with another human being in a few hours...
thank you krystle, hannah, and bethany for keeping me company for a little bit
tomorrow i told my floor i would make pancakes..
i don't have any pancake mix

maybe i can get some in the morning...
i turned 21 yesterday (actually-now that it is the 2nd, 2 days ago)
i didn't feel older yesterday
but i feel older today

the reason i am writing in my blog is because i am waiting for my files to render..
basically another copy of the file is made and filed away somewhere on my computer...
so..i have about 23 minutes left before i can do anything else
i'm getting kind of sleepy

i don't even know if i will actually post this, or if i am just bored...should have brought some homework.

maybe i can figure out how to compress my project when i'm done and then post it on this blog so people can see it...
that would be pretty cool....
you can check out some cool projects that moody students have done on archtvonline.com
i don't have anything up there yet, but i hopefully will this semester
i am taking a video editing class and single camera production
yay...
i am also taking systematic theology II which i love
and oral interpretation
and trying to finish my philosophy course (never do an independent study unless you are very self-motivated) before november...

17 minutes...
hmmm
i probably should have waited to do this a different day. i would call someone, but no one is awake...
it is a little creepy up here in this building...cause no one else is here...but i have a cell phone...
thankfully we have a long week-end..so i plan on sleeping tomorrow, getting ahead on homework...
some friends are taking me out for my birthday
pretty excited
16 minutes
if you are actually reading this entire blog...you should post a comment
who knows...
maybe you are editing a video project as well
waiting for it to render
Note to self:
(so this doesn't happen again...and by "this" i mean being alone in an empty building at 3 am waiting for your project to render..with nothing to do)

always bring a friend
always bring food
bring a pillow just in case you get tired
bring homework or reading or something
bring a sweatshirt or blanket (it is a little chilly)
coffee is also a good thing
set limits on amount of time in editing suite...there are no windows...if it weren't for the clock on the computer monitor, i could have been here for days and not even known...

2 minutes...nope, just kidding...it said 2 minutes and then went back up to 3 minutes
my stomach is growling

maybe i should have eaten that brownie bethany brought me
to late now...krsytle...

i went with some friends to my fav coffee shop earlier to work on brainstorming for a different video project...it was quite fun

this is sad when typing on a blog can be one's source of companionship
i really feel better.

still 3 minutes...the longest 3 minutes EVER
3 minutes later...still 3 minutes...

well-i don't have anything important to say...sorry for the shallow/rambling post

good morning

2006-08-19T13:21:00.000-07:00

a street i drove down almost every day...63rd and King Dr.

home sweet home

2006-08-18T16:22:00.000-07:00

it is amazing how something that was once so intimidating
overwhelming
BIG
has become something
comforting
home
small

a beautiful city

driving here a few weeks ago (wow, has it been that long already?)
i could barely contain my excitement in returning back to this place
this school
these people

looking back over the past several years
i am amazed
how HE has brought me from fear to faith
to take a leap, jump into something seemingly impossible for where i was

and yet HE has brought me to a place where what was seemingly impossible
is the only thing possible

i amazed that HE can take such brokenness
such insecurity
such fear
and make something beautiful

what once dwelled in dark despair
bondage
a prison cell
has been redeemed
into the bright rays of the morning sun

to be able to share in this great story
is a joy and thrill that i hope i never loose sight of
as i stand on the bright light of day
exposed
my selfishness
my pride

still loved...

i hope i will
have to walk barefoot because of my worn out shoes
i hope i will wear no coat because i have given away two
that both sides of my face will bear scars of abuse
that i will have washed the feet of the wealthy, the poor, and everyone inbetween
that my hands will be calloused, my fingernails dirty, my muscles sore
my heart full of perfect Love
a strength from above
that my first thought would be for others, and not myself

brokenness

that my life would be spent on that which is worthy

that i would continue to go wherever HE says
no matter what
no matter when
no matter how

no matter the impossibilities...

another chapter finished

2006-08-03T18:15:00.000-07:00

today was my last day of the internship/job. this last week was a whirlwind of basketballs, NBA, kids, and a gym that was 120 degrees... and still the kids came...i sat down and did registration in the somewhat air conditioned first floor.
no serious injuries
building relationships within the community
a chance to do something for the second time, and still surprised that i, mary, who has never played basketball, really cared about basketball, and had never heard of the NBA people at the camp, i was helping coordinate this thing for the second time-

one of the biggest requirements of following Christ is

a willingness to do anything.

now that the summer is drawing to a close, i am trying to collect my thoughts, process, refresh, and start going into ra mode...
i'm not gonna lie
i'm tired
i'm leaving chicago tomorrow
to go to michigan
to pack my stuff
and then am returning to moody the next day.
to unpack
get prepared for the fall,
and hopefully catch up on some sleep-and to spend some time in silence-just being with my Creator. i'm also producing a movie, and that needs to start taking shape as well.

in the midst of everything it is so easy to loose sight of that which is the purpose for being in the midst of everything. (does that make sense?)

2006-06-23T13:37:00.000-07:00

what does it mean to surrender?
to serve
to give up my rights
my hopes
my dreams
my expectations
to follow
a reckless abandon
and to realize that those hopes,
dreams,
expectations
where not the point
but were meant to draw me closer to my Creator
to be used by me in an act of worship

i have approached this the wrong way so much
i have desired my self over God's glory
but i want Him to be my motivation

and as i surrender to His leading
fulfilled even in the midst of trial, pain, and joy
to know that i am realizing my purpose
as i fall more and more into a love and knowledge of my Savior

i have been in chicago the past two weeks, the first week preparing to co-lead an internship program, the second week actually doing it
and i have been humbled
i have been challenged
encouraged,
and i feel like i am learning so much

God is healing me in ways i didn't know needed healing
He is teaching me things i didn't think i needed to know (or never thought about)
He is so good

working at kids' club in cabrini
markers, poster board...the Jesus family reunion for sidewalk sunday school
marker stains on my hands
prayer
opening the gates of our house in Englewood
30 kids showing up, playing ball, swinging, braiding my hair
double-dutch
watching movies on two mattresses that have become our couch
sleeping on the floor
construction work/demolition work at the new Sunshine building on 61st Street
Lawndale
guitar
early mornings
late nights
naps
getting lost in milwaukee
again
and again
and again
and passing our exit for the 3rd time
mario bros super nintendo
dinners
sore muscles
registrations for sport's camps
time in the word (the gospel of John is AMAZING)
falling more in love with my Savior

the toilet keeps leaking...

2006-05-22T23:14:00.000-07:00

it is 2am and i am still awake.
don't get me wrong.
i would love to be asleep
but dad and i are in the process of putting in a new toilet
how then, do you ask, am i typing on my blog?
because i am the designated water turner onner, shutter offer
yup
and because it is 2am and others are sleeping
there can be no yelling
so that means this is what happnes:
dad tells me to turn the water on
i run down from the second floor
through the living room, dining room, and kitchen
down the basement stairs
around the corner
and turn on the water valve
i then run up the basement stairs
through the kitchen, dinign room, and living room
up the stairs to the second floor
and see if i need to run back down and turn the water off (dad is usually found holding towel and buckets underneath leak, so i have to run back down to turn the water off so the whole room is not flooded...)
now, i have done this probably 7 or 8 times by now
and because it is 2am my coordination is a little off
so it is becoming a little more challenging
i never thought putting a toilet in would be so difficult

it all started when my brother and i decided to redo the bathroom
and the toilet kept leaking
and then i was dowstairs earlier today
and heard water running upstairs...
but no one was upstairs
so i ran up and the holdind tank had randomly cracked adn water was going everywhere

that is why i am up at 2am "helping" install a new toilet.

on a deeper level...
i am currently reading a book by edward welch called, "when people are big and God is small"
it is major convicting to me, and i am being challenged by it so much...

if there are typos...disregard
its 2:20am

rest

2006-05-09T21:25:00.000-07:00

i crave rest
yet, it seems so unattainable sometimes
here i am, near the end of the semester-only a few more projects to go
yet i do not look forward to when they are done
simply because when they are done
there is still so much more to do
my summer is full of
reading books
preparing for several leadership positions
all of which i feel the inadequacy of
all of which i am excited about
all of which seem overwhelming at the moment

so often i long for the moment when the "stressful" or "busy" part of life will be over
there is the false assumption of this rest
...when the semester is over
...when summer is over
...when i graduate
...if i can only accomplish this
...get this job to pay for school

then things will settle down.

however, i don't think life on this earth is supposed to be like that
where everything we have is to lead to a point where we can be comfortable
where life is easy
and everyone's happy

no, i think that the ground upon which i walk will be pounded down hard
the soles of my shoes will be tattered
i will look down at my faded jeans
my hands will be calloused and scarred

i hope that i will be empty of myself
that every drop of water
in the bucket i have been given
will be gone

i hope i will realize that rest had been found
though i am sure that this rest will not be found in my circumstances
a deeper rest
a rest that is from Above

and i think i will realize that the goal of this life was not a certain outcome...

it was the journey

2006-04-30T22:48:00.000-07:00

a night in grant park

2006-04-30T22:37:00.000-07:00

i didn't plan on going...a ten page paper and an eight page paper-both due monday. i am still getting over being sick...but last minute i decided to go
just for a little while
and ended up staying all night

it was the global night commute to raise awareness for the children in northern uganda who must commute into the cities every night for fear of abduction
the purpose of thier abduction: to fight in the Lord's Rebel Army

some stats

1.7 million displaced
20-50,000 children abducted
some as young as five
some told to kill thier families
all told not to cry or show emotion

it rained all night, and the little tarp that we had over our heads didn't do much to keep the rain out
we stayed up all night talking, hanging out with others who were there...almost 2,000 of us
prayed together
cheered together
and all of us wrote letters
to the president
to the state senators
and tomorrow-monday morning-all of those letter will be sent out
we are asking that northern uganda get humanitarian aid
we are asking that there are steps taken to end the war

worldwide there were over 50,000 people participating

one of the children was in chicago with us-a child from across the ocean who i'm sure was overwhelmed and amazed to see so many people coming together
he has had to commute-in fear for his life

we were soaked to the bone by morning, and it was rather cold
to end we had a group picture taken, and a crane was used for the video camera. we held signs that will later be used in the finished documentary...

www.invisiblechildren.com

where will you be tonight?

2006-04-29T15:20:00.000-07:00

global night commute

in whatever circumstance

2006-04-28T22:59:00.000-07:00

i went to starbucks tonight
working on a exegetical paper on a few verses in philippians
drinking my nice hot tea
wearing my nice comfy hoody
adding honey to my tea
laughing with friends

walking back to school
stopping at walgreens to buy chocolate

we walked through a park on the way back to school...how quickly what i have immersed myself in only moments before vanishes from my mind.

philippians 4
"being content in whatever circumstances"
i walk through the park
i am content
i have so much
more than i ever needed
i walk through the park and see
a
man sleeping on a bench
no blanket
just an old coat
worn jeans

i laugh with my friends
eating the chocolate covered almonds and caramels we have just bought
we stand and talk only a few feet away from the man

i glance over at the man on the bench
he is asleep
arms crossed to hold the warmth in
alone on the bench
alone in the park

i take a bag of chocolate covered peanuts over to the man
he doesn't stir
his breathing is heavy, consistent...
his shoes are neatly placed under the bench
clean, polished shoes
i set the bag of peanuts down by his shoes
as i reach down i am closer to him
and i feel as though in that moment i have tried to grasp what it means to love your neighbor
and this half-eaten bag of peanuts is my feeble attempt at something that i don't truely understand

i almost want him to wake up
to share so much more with him than a walgreens brand bag of candy
but i dread him awakening as well
because i would have to explain myself
it is easier to have less interaction
easier...but less rich
less deep

he continues to sleep
i pause as i leave, unsure if what i have just done is absurd or good or not likely to make a difference.
my friends and i walk back to school

i don't give the man on the bench a second thought
until now
i am the only one awake in my room
with heat in the dorm, my computer, a fridge of food
my comfy hoody
my warm bed

and tomorrow when i wake up
i will write a paper
on being content in whatever circumstances
"for i have learned in whatever situation i am to be content. i know how to be brought low, and i know how to abound. in any and every circumstance, i have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. i can do all things through him who strenghtens me..."

tomorrow i will write a paper...i will do word studies

and try to understand what it means to be content.

in whatever circumstance.

my favorite place in chicago

2006-04-25T20:06:00.000-07:00

i have a new favorite study place that is not often frequented by "moodys"
it is unique, small, easy to pass on the street
french algerian combination
food
coffee
mediterranean
cilantro
tomatoes
basil
avocado
olive oil
crepes
tea
algerian rugs on the wall
pictures of france, the eiffel tower
grungy-but not in a bad way
earthy
inexpensive
decorative
reds, browns

betcha want to know where it is, don't you? i'll try to keep it little frequented by moody's, but if you ask, i just might tell you...

doors closing

2006-04-24T10:09:00.000-07:00

i walk down chicago
get on the red line to go south...
sitting on the "el" across from a man
he looks tired
he looks hungry
he nods in and out, his head moving with the swaying of the train
i can't help looking at him, his baggy grungy clothes
but there is something more
i feel compassion
but i don't know how to do anything
say anything
as if i would break that sacred silence on the train
that silence that cries out to be broken
more and more people crowd in at each stop
but the only voice is that of the sound system
"thank you for riding the cta. doors closing"

the man is holding tightly to a plastic bag
he opens his eyes and i get a closer glimpse
bloodshot eyes
tired eyes
hopeless eyes
i avert my gaze, staring at the ad above him as if it is the most interesting thing i have read all day
each stop rotates people in
more get on the already crowded car
a few get off
and i sit in my seat
staring complacently above everyone's gaze
looking down at everyone's feet
and i feel the pressure of the silence
as i breath that same polluted air
and walk on those same polluted streets

...but i have hope

and yet i hold it so closely
so possessively
as if i had earned it
found it
or deserved it

i get up from my seat as the "el" arrives at my stop

"...doors closing"
that mechanical voice follows me as i walk past a car full of people

spontaneously predictable

2006-04-19T17:19:00.000-07:00

so, i went home for easter-and it was so amazing...it had been several months since i had seen my family
it is amazing how much that small town doesn't really change
and yet, the most spontaneous things happen

spontaneously predictable

a friend and i arrived home late thursday night-and the major issue of the hour was:
who is going to drive who's car?
"mom has the truck"
"dad has my car...wait, i need my car"
"dad's car is at grandpa and grandmas"
"is it broken?"
"no"
"why is it there?"
"justin was working on his car, and had to borrow dad's car"
"but now, justin's car is fixed"
"what about the other truck?"
"eats gas"
so...like usual, after about an hour long discussion and every possible combination, our car shuffling came to an end and we all had vehicles in the morning...i don't know why it always is so hard...especially since it is 5 cars and 4 people...

the next morning it was time for the annual pilgrimage to the horse auction...my friend and i were awakened by what sounded like thousands of people in the downstairs of the house starting at 6am and going until about 7:30...
"WHO'S HERE??!?!?" shouted loudly from outside my door

"SHHHH MARY and HER FRIEND ARE SLEEPING!!!!" shouted equally as loudly from nearby...

items purchased at the auction:
a lamb
a horse

the next day we went horseback riding, through the vineyards...
it is a beautiful place

if your brother has a speck in his eye....

2006-04-12T22:52:00.000-07:00

it was typical late night on the floor...or maybe it was atypical-because there were about 5 of us in the lounge letting our creative juices flow-inspired by one of my lovely roommates...who had an amazing idea for a drama. so, instead of doing homework(joni brought a book into the lounge to multi-task study and watch the drama: my response was, "why did you bring your book?") instead of doing homework we developed a drama, acted it out, and i even videotaped it so it can be used later. We finished around 1 am. i still had to read an article and write a short paper on it. As i was working, my other roommate came stumbing in from the other room. I didn't know what was wrong, other than that she was in great distress. I asked her if she was alright...a moan.
"mar, i have something in my eye..." ok..i swallowed and built up courage. For those of you who don't know, i am petrified of seeing people touch thier eyes. I can't stand watching people put contacts in...but for my roomie, i would try. she sat on the couch and held her eye open..
now, we have all experienced the occasional "speck in eye" but this was out of control.
do you know that feeling when something is in your eye and it won't come out, and it hurts like crazy, whether you blink, open your eye, close your eye...the pain is still there.

multiply that by 10...and you will get a picture of my roommate....now, you have to imagine me, petrified, dumping saline solution in her eye, it is around 2am, and neither of us function well when we are tired. so in the midst of this horrible dillema, we are laughing hysterically (if that is possible while you are crying from eye pain...)
i looked in her eye for a good 10 minutes.

nothing.

not even a little tiny indication of anything.

a ghost speck.

"are you lying?" (joking)

now, a battle like feeling came over me, and i knew that to ease my roommates suffering, we would have to locate this "speck." but i needed reinforcements.
unfortunately, even in a college dorm, it is pretty quiet at 2am...except for one girl who was sitting in the lounge.

reading.

her name: basma.

upon explaining the situation she immediately dropped what she was doing and came to the aid. i had acquired a flashlight, and basma held it while we looked again in my roommate's eye.

nothing.

not even a speck.

as i looked in her eye, it appeared as though it were inflamed. i began to think that our problem may be bigger...

it had now been almost an hour.

"i'm taking you to the ER" i said.

"no," she replied..."it feels fine now"
as she began wincing in pain again from head to toe...

we called her dad, got the insurance info, and were getting ready to leave when she looked at me, and appeared to be in less pain...
although, i did not know if i could believer her...i mean, who wants to go to the hospital at 3 am to get a speck out of thier eye? but i didn't know what else to do...
but maybe she was better....
nope...it began hurting again. as i was looking at her, i noticed a tiny glint that seemed abnormal in her eye

"don't move"

basma was immediately ready with the "speck extracter" aka toilet paper
and i held her eye open and....

got the speck out!!!!! it was sooooooooooooooooo small

in our joy we thought about framing it, although it is almost invisible to the naked eye...
good thing i have the eyes of an eagle..............

we went to sleep,

3:30...
and i definately slept through my 8:00
and 9:00....

if your roommate has a speck in her eye...believe her.

cameras, sand, ocean, and the body of Christ

2006-03-24T09:25:00.000-08:00

a little more than 24 hours ago i was standing at the edge of the ocean in a non-touristy town, watching the sun rise and pour it's golden beams through the clouds. a few bahamian men from the town walked in the ankle deep water carrying long poles, searching for crabs or lobsters...
as we sat on the salty rocks near the water's edge, a few thoughts crossed my mind.

how amazing God's creation is-His faithfulness, creativity, beauty

what an awesome thing it is to be a part of the body of Christ...this trip to make a short film in the Bahamas with many of the people not knowing each other well, different personalities, ideas, communication styles, joining together on a project that i feel will not only be glorifying to God in the end project, but was also glorifying to Him in the process.

the last thing is that these last 10 days have sped by, while seeming like forever, and soon we would be returning to snow and a windy city, school, textbooks, papers, and exams.

it is so easy to forget reality on that island, the laid back nature of the people "take it easy mon"
no cell phones, email-just 21 people, a couple of cameras, lights, and a script-on a beautiful beach-in a concrete room, in a hotel room, in a camp, in a park...
time codes
audio log
holding lights
passing out water
the "clacker"...("scene 25, shot 4, take 1")
"boom's in the shot!"
"your shadow's in the shot"
iris down, iris down again...ummm...iris up two
"Quiet on on the set!....tape rolling....sound speeding...."
cut!"

"let's do it one more time..."

every morning we would spend time as a team in prayer, in the Word, and also being challenged in team building...

at night, when our shooting was over (sometimes not until 2 or 3 in the morning) we would come back to the camp where we stayed and watch rushes... and laugh really hard
we also had some good Bahamian food, a couple of us went to a Bahamian church,

and one day we went to an orphanage to play with the 60 or so children there...
it was a good orphanage, compared to some that i have seen, and the kids were so excited to see us...wearing our hats, sunglasses, taking pictures with my digital camera...duck duck goose, swings, spinning...2 hours was not enough time..

one girl named Lily i really connected with...10 years old
she asked me "are you coming back?" "no.." i said.
I asked her, "who is your best friend here?"
"you are, for now." she replied.
as we left, i leaned against a wall and fought tears...
i have seen orphans before, held them, played with them....

and i have finally cried.

it was so amazing to see the bahamas, not just as an island for tourists, but to experience the culture, see the people..
a group of rastafarians camped right down the road to where we stayed...
on the flip side, we also saw the immense gap between the rich and the poor/those escaping life for a few weeks, and others, like Lily, experiencing life in the midst of what is going on around them...
the bahamas is a place of many churches, and few authentic believers
it is a place that is beautiful no matter what time of day
morning, afternoon, evening
it is a beautiful culture and people, and i thank God for the workers that he has sent to that island...
what a privelage to share in that place
to make film
and to draw closer to God's heart

for more info on the actual filming, visit www.xanga.com/sandcastle06
it will hopefully be updated soon...

going to the bahamas

2006-03-10T13:05:00.000-08:00

i'm going to the bahamas on monday...workin' hard in the sun...yeah, it's a rough life.

another link

2006-03-04T08:05:00.000-08:00

sorry the previous link only worked for some...
this link will hopefully work for all, and it is definately worth seeing...

make sure you watch the video when you get to the sight

epic zoo adventure

2006-03-01T22:30:00.000-08:00

click on this link to see where a few friends and i dared to embark on a cold, lazy (procrastinating) friday afternoon...

can someone tell me if this link works??

what to do when you don't know what to do

2006-02-15T10:23:00.000-08:00

the last part of the week ended well, including amazing messages from andy stanley and charles swindoll, and also our own president dr. easely.
i had the chance to work all of the three cameras on the floor, including camera 1 which is used to project on two giant screens on stage-this way, people in the back are able to see who is speaking up close. it was a little intimidating, but so much fun to take directions in my headset and find interesting shots of the band as they played. the stool i was on was also a little rocky, and right in the middle aisle of moody church, in the middle right where everyone could see me...and i could envision myself falling off the stool, causing the camera to go crashing down on some poor unsuspecting moody alumnist...
thankfully it never happened.
and things went great
i learned a lot
had fun
and am amazed at God-where he has brought me-though the old struggles of fear and failure still creep up, it is such a joy to serve in this way, and bring the things that i love to do before Him as an act of worship

during the session that andy stanley spoke, i wasn't working on a camera, and was able to really absorb what he was saying. he spoke about the life of joseph-and the things he said struck a chord deep in my heart

live your life as one who is confident that God is with them...
i never want to look back on my life (probably a difficult time in my life) and wonder "man, what would have happened had i been confident that God was with me?"

I'll just put down a few of the notes that i took...hopefully they make sense
Gen 39
What to do when you don't know what to do
The Lord was with joseph...the text states this several times...after joseph is sold into slavery
and the Lord was with him

after he is falsley accused of rape
and the Lord was with him

after he is put into prison
the Lord was with him...

many times we view God's silence as meaning he is inactive, and joseph went through a lot-but God was with him, and joseph was part of God's plan leading all the way up to Christ. joseph died and never knew what God was fully up to...

Gen 41:6...pharoah (who is viewed as "god" by the egyptians...) has a dream and asks joseph to interpret it...joseph says that he cannot do it, but God can tell pharoah what the dream means
this shows a lot about joseph's perspective

-for one, joseph is acknowledging that it is God who works-and also, joseph is showing that he is confident that God is with him...and he is reliant on God
-not only that, but he is unafraid to proclaim who the True God is to the falsly viewed god phaoroah..

what will my response be? will i leverage God's gifts to me for my sake and glory or for His sake and His glory? how will i respond if i am confident in God? will i use my dysfunctions as an excuse to look away from Him? joseph was bold, weak, and willing to say and do whatever God had for him...

what to do when we don't know what to do...
what did joseph do?

he did what anyone would do if they were confident that God was with them

2006-02-07T21:43:00.000-08:00

founder's week-
i walk down to moody church, arriving 45 minutes early each time. instead of sitting in the balcony or in the seats on the floor, i walk to a room that is next to backstage. the room i enter reminds me of those NASA scenes from apollo 13. people are buzzing around, checking mics, checking iris (light exposure) levels, headsets, a ready supply of chocolate (caramel, milk, crispy), peanuts, water and soda, breakfast pastries in the a.m., pizza in the p.m., computer monitors, tv monitors, powerpoint, cameras, tripods, fun, technical...yet strangely relaxed. mon night a friend and i were in charge of iris levels...and that segment will eventually be put on satellite tv, which we will appear in the credits...(which really isn't that big of a deal...but it is our first credited thing, so it makes me smile...) tonight i was able to work camera 3 from the balcony (which i previously had touched like one time for less than five minutes...) you learn as you go...and i guess spontaneouty (how do you spell that word???) is a big part.
i had so much fun, learned so much, and i guess it just adds affirmation that i am studying the right things, doing the right major...

i am currently reading genesis 22 where abraham is told to sacrifice isaac...as i was reading, i noticed how many times (13 times) the phrase, "his son," or "his only son" is used in the passage. throughout the journey to the mountain where the sacrifice will take place those words constantly remind

his son
his only son

and abraham had amazing faith

God had promised abraham a son...and he believed God...and it was credited to him as righteousness
then God tells him to take that son (that promise) and sacrifice him
so abraham took the three day journey...each step probably heavier than the first...his son carrying the wood on which he would be sacrificed
yet as they set out, abraham tells his servants who will remain behind
"WE will worship and then WE will return..."
isaac asks his father where the offering will come from
and abraham replies confidently that God would Himself provide the sacrifice

faith

knowing and believing the promises of God

being willing
trusting
surrendering

walking forward...sometimes crawling,
unfaltering
despite the unknown

to sacrifice those promises before God
knowing that HE WOULD PROVIDE

YAHWEH YIREH (the Lord will provide)

abraham binds isaac to the alter

he has the knife, poised to slaughter his son...his only son

But God intervened, he provided the sacrifice...a ram in the thicket...

the Lord will provide
His Son...His only Son

every gift that God gives...it is so we may give Him the glory...laying it before Him as an act of worship
surrender
faith

and it is only an act of His grace through which we accomplish this

it's only going to get busier...and that makes me happy

2006-01-29T20:21:00.000-08:00

so...my weekend was super busy and super fun

friday afternoon i went to an unexplored (for me) part of the city and browsed in a used bookstore...could've bought a lot...didn't buy anything...

later, i went out to wheaton with some people to visit my friend bethanie in her new amazing apartment
artists had lived in it previously so the walls are vibrant yellow-blue swirly ceiling-swirly flowers in the hallway-tree scene in the hallway-relaxing

on saturday i attended my first gospel choir practice(i just joined this semester) and it was so much fun and i am so excited to be a part of that ministry.

saturday afternoon i worked on homework, went for a walk in the rain with a friend, and then went to a script reading for the bahamas film trip-and my schedule became even more packed...but that's ok-i am enjoying it

saturday i went to church at holy trinity in the a.m. and then to city church in the afternoon. lecrae and another christian rap artist were there doing special music-some of those lyrics almost moved me to tears they are so powerful

after that, i went up to devon street with some more friends to hang out at another friends apartment (you following the connections?...) and ate chicken byrani, fried sugar stuff that i don't remember what it is called, and naan...we tried to play cranium but like usual everyone got distracted and no one won...

my schedule is packed with babysitting, teaching drawing/art on occasion, working on a video for class, starting to get more involved with the bahamas video...there are a few days that we shoot in chicago, pcm, homework, homework, reading, and some more reading...
i quit my job at the baby furniture store so that frees up some time...but mostly just saturdays...kind of.

well...i have an 8:00 in the morning...which means a 6:30 rise time...which means i need to go to bed right now.

stories from Africa

2006-01-20T10:10:00.000-08:00

my friend bethany just returned from Africa last week. yesterday she made me some tea that she had brought back and i heard some of her stories.
stories of airports and delayed flights
of eating the most common dish-dough made of flour and water
of beautiful people
amazing stories of God's grace
holding orphans
praying together in spite of culture, ethnicity, language
serving
crafts and VBS
showing children what stickers are for the first time
meeting her sponsored child

hearing more about the vision called mavuno village.
check it out here.

may we never be calloused.

2006-01-14T18:04:00.000-08:00

it has been a while since i updated, so i will just give a few snapshots...

back in chicago
classes...rescheduling classes
waking up at 6 am
not going to bed after 11pm!!!!! yeah!!!!
random 50 degree day
walk in the park and then along lake michigan
followed by normal cold, snowy, windy day
reading tons of stuff that makes me think a lot
krystle doing my hair two days in a row (yesterday's was emmy worthy...so she said...today's is more casual 'dance' worthy...sophisticated she might say)
going to work
angry customer
police being called in to escort angry customer out
angry customer leaving without police assistance because issue was resolved...barely
eating cookies from christmas...yeah, the frosting was a little hard

being broken and challenged already...learning that i have so much to learn...
trust
freedom
boldness
faith
courage
strength
honesty
...relying on Him.

2005-12-18T19:34:00.001-08:00

it seems so...severed
such a huge part of my life
memories, oh sweet memories
that now lie dormant
as if they are unsure of what to do
whether to sleep
whether to rise
whether to simply fade away

it seems so...surreal
that such a good thing
true beauty
would almost seem to be cut
never to be repaired?

and it seems as though i only stand here
helpless
watching something that is truely beautiful
grow small in the distance
i look back-try to retrace my steps
pull myself back to that familliar shore
but the waves are pulling me steadily away

will it do any good to fight?
in the midst of darkness
there is so much light
in the midst of frailty
so much strength
and in the midst of imperfection
there is so much hope, and joy, and beauty

and in the midst of fear there is love

i refuse to allow darkness to swallow up joy
i refuse to allow fear to push me out to sea
i refust to simply let it be as it is-to forget His faithfullness
His goodness
His sacrifice

because i am in a battle
i shall fight for hope
not because it needs defending

but because hope will not dissapoint

snow, beauty, and drudgery

2005-12-08T21:57:00.000-08:00

i turned in my final paper for my final class today! next week is finals and the end of another semester

unbelievable...

after class i rushed off to catch the red line to babysit
when i left there was a little snow on the ground
on my way back to school, only a few hours later, 5 inches and still falling

beautiful...

the city takes on a different look in the wintertime
and the first snow always makes everything seem clean
the edges of light are softened by the falling snow

i guess there is usually a good side to something and a bad side to something
but as of

right now...

my attitude is light and i am enjoying this change in scenery outside my window
and if you are lucky enough to be outside in the first snow, you are able to avoid what comes

as time goes on...

when the snow turns to slush, mixed with the grease and grime from sidewalks and streets

car horns honking as traffic is backed up for blocks

and drudging through the snow is less than enjoyable

i am reminded of something oswald chambers says (on drudgery):

"we are not meant to be seen as God's perfect, bright-shining examples, but to be seen as the everyday essence of ordinary life exhibiting the miracle of His grace. Drudgery is the test of genuine character. the greatest hinderance in our spiritual life is that we will only look for big things to do. yet, "Jesus...took a towel and...began to wash his disciples feet...' we say we do not expect God to take us to heaven on flowery beds of ease, and yet we act as if we do! i must realize that my obedience even in the smallest detail of life hall all the omnipotent power of the grace of God behind it."

random events...

2005-12-02T14:51:00.001-08:00

courtney came to visit, and we had a great time, though both of us were weak from recovering over the 12 hour flu.

my week in a few snapshots:
going to jewel in the rain...finding breyer's ice cream on sale
buying two half-gallons
almost passing out in my media class-leaving early
skipping my theology class
sleeping
debbie(roomie) getting sick with 12-hour flu
96th floor of the john hancock building
shedd aquarium
field museum
art institute
corner bakery
little sleep
worship in chapel
helping with science at sunzone
taking courtney to train station
cold, windy
gloves, scarves, hats, layers

realizing i have yet another paper due...forgot about that one

meeting with a guy i don't know who wants me to sing on his music album
a 1 minute audition singing amazing grace outside of the commons (we'll be recording sometime in the next few weeks...so random)

how amazing to be in this city, at this school-may i never take it for granted

follow me

2005-12-01T15:46:00.000-08:00

Matt 9:9
"as Jesus passed on from there, he saw a man called Matthew sitting at the tax booth, and he said to him, 'follow me' and he rose and followed him."

i am struck by the simplicity of this verse. i am struck by the simplicity of this call.
"follow me"
and he rose and followed him.

sometimes i think i make God's call for my life one of pomp and brilliance-which if looked at deep down is motivated by selfishness, the desire to be recognized, to have a good story to tell...yet, the call of God is simple...profoundly simple

follow me

and it is said by one who wears sandles caked with the judean desert, who was born in a stable, from a small town-there was no pomp or brilliance in his call-his life was one of sacrifice

follow me

it is simple, and yet i make it so complex. i worry. follow him to where? what if he really means me to stay where i am? how will i know what to do?

simply...follow me

Matthew didn't really analyze every alternative. instead, he rose and followed him.
that's it
no writing in the clouds or music playing in the background
he rose and followed him.

when will i learn to leave behind my old lifestyle-thought processes, comfort, and like Matthew, listen to my Master's voice?

2005-11-28T15:48:00.000-08:00

why is it that i sometimes fear obedience? it isn't that i don't desire to be obedient-i think i am sometimes afraid of where that obedience will lead...i guess i pray that God would show me where he would like me to begin moving, and then when doors start opening, i pretend that it is all in my head, and i don't face reality.
what does it mean to be selfless? i realize more and more everyday that i am so far from understanding what sacrifice means...
what does it mean to give up the rights to myself? to surrender fully?
to be so in love with my savior that all else fades to a stale backdrop in light of who HE is?
only by HIS grace
only because HE first loved me
only because of HIS sacrifice

and i can hold firmly to the promise that
"HE who began a good work in me will carry it onto completion..."

for HIS glory

a trip to India-only minutes away

2005-11-17T16:12:00.000-08:00

We took Lakeshore Drive north until the end and after only a few wrong turns, pulled onto Devon Street. We parked in a side street, and began walking down the main street. We passed stores carrying ornate dresses, restaurants advertising Kebap, grocery stores filled with spices such as curry, shelves with payneer, and walls with pictures of Mecca. As we walked, we passed women with head scarves made of beautiful fabric. I am sure that my two friends and I stuck out, especially when we went into the dress stores. We passed bright fabric with beautiful beads sown on in different patterns. We entered a few stores to browse, and some of the employees knew very little English.
Before we left, we stopped at a restaurant to buy some food. I ordered naan along with my meal of Chiken Biryani. While I was waiting for my food, I walked through the restaurant. I passed a prayer room with rugs facing toward Mecca. I listened to people speaking in different languages, and it seemed for a moment as if I were no longer in Chicago. It is almost unreal, how one can drive a mere thirty minutes and feel like they were transported to a completely different culture and country.
However, it wasn’t long before I remembered that I was in Chicago-a very diverse city. I heard someone speak in Spanish, while another couple of people were speaking a language I had never heard. This clash of cultures is so unique.
It was my first time visiting that area of the city, and I know that I definitely would like to go back again.

ehaeahhhhhhhhhh-welcome to moody bridal institute

2005-11-15T11:48:00.000-08:00

yup, that is pretty much the sound that could be heard coming from my room late on sunday night...
i was sitting in the room across the hall, studying diligently, when my roommate debbie walked in, having just arrived from being home that week-end..
"hi" she says, walking over to me to give me a hug
"how was your week-end home?" i asked...
"It was a really good week-end..."
i look at her...she smiles....i look at her again, then grab her left hand and yup, sure enough...'
EAHAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
much jumping and screaming
her boyfriend (now fiance) had popped the question after she had to follow 12 clues (which in the process caused her a speeding ticket) to him waiting in a flower garden.
they plan on getting married in may '07-so excited for them!

relaxing week-end

2005-11-12T21:57:00.000-08:00

friday night myself and several girls from the floor went to our friend hannah's house for the night...(hannah lives across the hall from me). it was a much needed time of rest, watching movies, and playing outside, just being away from the city.
we watched mean girls, then elf...which though i was enjoying it, my eylids were too heavy to stay open and i went upstairs to hannah's super comfy bed and had an amazing nights sleep...
the next morning we woke up to breakfast, homemade bluberry muffins, and i even at a few scrambled eggs....(for those of you who don't know, scrambled eggs and i usually do not mix, as i have bad memories of having to eat them with soy sauce as a child...)
we then went to the park and played on one of the sweetest playgrounds i have ever seen..rock climbing, ropes course, it was pretty much amazing
also, hannah's 8 year old sister abby and i were adventurous and crossed the stream, jumping from rock to rock...very cold water...
i was able to get a little bit of studying done before we headed out to harvest bible chapel to hear joe stowel speak...
he was talking about purpose...God's purpose for our lives

We are chosen on purpose with a purpose in mind (ephesians 1.."even as he chose us in him before the foundation of the world that we should be holy and blameless before him..."

He is willing to use short term trouble to achieve his glorious outcomes in our lives...

we must turn our hearts toward what we KNOW rather than what we FEEL..."Knowing this that he who began a good work in you will carry it on unto completion..."

we must recognize that we are a risk to the process of what God is wanting to accomplish...our tendency to bail under the burden...james 1"consider it pure joy my brothers whenever you face trials of many kinds because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverence..."
bitterness blocks the grace of God...

Despair is never an option...
do we believe: (that He is)
Presence of God
His protection
love
capable
worthy
enablement

Stop looking at trouble and start looking to God...

though these notes are somewhat sporadic, they are truths that i constantly need to be reminded of ...do i really trust Him...do i really believe that he is all of these things? why do i despair?
do i love and follow Him for the blessings that he gives....or for He Himself?
can i really say
"blessed be your name!"

quiet on the set!

2005-11-11T13:14:00.000-08:00

this past week my electronic media class has been doing more hands-on stuff, including work in the t.v. studio...today my jobs included (we are at very, very basic things) sitting and being the person video-taped, demonstrating proper focus on the camera, being the floor director..."Quiet on the Set!", recording the tape, demonstrating proper head room...just learning the basics-and even though it is so basic..so much fun...

monday i will be graded as the director...

my schedule for next semester is very full:

Hebrews
Systematic Theology I
Fundamentals of Video
Introduction to Mass Communications
Hermeneutics
and also finishing up a philosophy course that i am taking independent study

I am really looking forward to these classes, b/c i have amazing profs as well

to see some great photos from this year, click this link:
http://moody.facebook.com/photos.php?id=163800283&l=57bfc

the dramatic events of smith 7 and culby 10

2005-11-07T22:54:00.000-08:00

follow this link to find out tonight's drama
http://www.xanga.com/kerfufflous_mermidon

today i look like a leaf

2005-11-07T18:07:00.000-08:00

i didn't know what i was going to wear this morning (after i slept through my 8:00-despite my rooomate trying to wake me up/shaking me/speaking loudly- i just turned over, moaned something like, "i let you sleep in last week..." and going back to sleep...)
i was glad though, because the extra two hours were wonderful, i woke up feeling refreshed, and had a rather enjoyable day...
i think it was partially because i dressed kind of like a leaf
it was a little chilly out so i pulled out my orange, long sleeved fall looking shirt, put a brown tee-shirt underneath for a super-stylish layering effect, and felt very festively fall...
someone even told me i looked like a leaf...
yes...
look accomplished...

today i was reading in Matthew 5
so often i do not realize the power of Christ's words. i have them in this category of sunday school cartoons or softly spoken suggestions...
they are so unlike those things

"unless your righteousness exceeds that of the scribes and the Pharisees, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven..."

"You have heard that it was said to those of old, 'you shall not murder," BUT I SAY to you that everyone who is angry with his brother will be liable to judgement..."

over and over, Matthew writes, "It was said....BUT I SAY...."you have heard that it was said...BUT I SAY..."

it is a standard that can only be achieved through Christ...through his righteousness.

These words are so radical
challenging
impossible
only accomplished because of Christ's righteousness.

Jesus also says..
love your enemies.
pray for those who persecute you
which is exactly what he did for us
Romans 5:10
"For if while we were enemies, we were reconciled to God by the death of his Son, much more, now that we are reconciled, shall we be saved by his life."
may i be one who loves
selflessly
-apart from my convenience and comfort.

random personality test

2005-11-03T18:39:00.000-08:00

Your Hidden Talent

Your natural talent is interpersonal relations and dealing with people.You communicate well and are able to bring disparate groups together.Your calming presence helps everything go more smoothly.People crave your praise and complements.

What's" Your Hidden Talent?

one day trip

2005-10-31T18:36:00.000-08:00

so i heard through the grapevine that there was going to be a work day at my house in michigan on saturday... and so saturday morning i was able to come home and surprise my family and true vine equestrian center staff. a friend and i came down just for the day, helped put up some fence, and then went trail riding. it was such an unexpected, refreshing day of being among friends and fam. as well as being outdoors in God's beautiful creation.
we returned to moody saturday night where, after eating dinner, i promptly went to sleep (around 8pm) and was able to sleep for 12 hours!!!

I love walking down sidewalks in autumn. it seems almost like i have stepped into a different place.
city streets lined with yellows
reds
crisp, cool air
scarves
hats
sweaters
my visible breath as i walk to class
pumpkins for sale across the street
apple cider
hot chocolate
mini marshmallows...lots of mini marshmallows
roasting s'mores on dryer lawn (over a grill)

...trying to find time to think...to be still

completely in wonder at this God i serve

painting faces/frozen fingers

2005-10-28T18:26:00.000-07:00

tonight i went down to help at a halloween party with sunshine gospel ministries. it was a lot of fun, i painted faces non-stop for at least two hours, drank lots and lots of hot chocolate with marshmallows, and my fingers about froze off...those kids bring such joy to my heart...and sometimes frustration.

it's funny when you are painting someone's face. if they smile while you are painting, the picture will be all distorted...so you tell them not to smile, which makes them smile even more...and it seems absolutely horrible to tell a child (or anyone for that matter) not to smile, especially when the purpose of what you are doing is to bring a smile to their face.

on my way back a friend called to see if i wanted to go see a movie...i totally would have gone-but $8 is a lot to spend on one movie...i think next time we should rent a movie instead and split the cost...that would be like a quarter each

soccer on the beach

2005-10-14T20:57:00.000-07:00

the other night after our session, some friends and i went down to the beach to just hang out
soccer ball
sand
rain
wet sand
bare feet on cold, wet sand
playing tag
trying to block the ball
blocking the ball
in the process of blocking the ball, causing someone's toe to collide with my shin
pain
a broken toe
a bruised shin
still playing soccer
falling in the sand
laughing
friendship
covered in sand
walking back barefoot on cement earth
good conversations

so sore the next day...
all week we went to different sessions, heard speakers
hung out
it was a much needed break from the daily schedule
we also do not have classes on mon or tues, so i am looking forward to the extended time off of classes.
however...it is a little bit hard to get motivated after such a long break-which is why i find myself blogging instead of writing my reading reports (which i am currently four behind...)

i was reading in psalms a few days ago, and in light of the turmoil and chaos that has seemed to overwhelm the world, the words of the psalmist ring true:

psalm 9:18-20

"For the needy shall not always be forgotten, and the hope of the poor shall not perish forever.

Arise, O Lord! Let not man prevail; let the nations be judged before you! Put them in fear, O Lord! Let the nations know that they are but mere men!"

So often we put a false hope in man. We forget our frailty and our dependence on Him-the creator God who is sovereign, and actively working in each of our lives- to the praise of his glory. May we know that He is God, and we are not, and may that leave us in awe at His feet.

2005-10-09T19:05:00.000-07:00

this week i found myself in two extremely fancy dining places. the first was a cruise boat called the spirit of chicago. some friends and i from holy trinity church went with the rest of the church to hear more about its vision over the next few years. someone had paid for the entire cruise, including meals, drinks, etc
candlelit tables
white table cloths
roses in a vase (now drying in my room)
2 shirley temples
clams (which scared me a little..i am petrified of snails, and clams are a snail-like consistency)
chicken
fish
other really good food i can't remember now
cheesecake
chocolate cake
watching a video i was able to help out with a little(as described in previous blog)
good conversation
black pants/black shirt/black coat/pink sweater
meeting new people
going to the top deck to view the city from outside
the skyline at night as seen from lake michigan
a group of moody students taking up an entire bus on the way back
being able to say "i ate dinner on a boat tonight..."

the second place i found myself in was on the 95th floor of the john hancock building
i went with some other women from sunshine and from church
all we could afford was to get drinks
i ordered the cheapest thing on the menu...which was a ginger ale-$5.
i then split a $7.50 dessert with a friend...and when it arrived it was so small..although it tasted very good-maybe four bites each.
however, it was fun to get dressed up, and see the city at night, lit up,
we could see for miles and miles-how amazing the vast number of people, buildings, street lights..
this next week classes are cancelled starting tuesday for the annual missions conference...i am so excited to go to seminars, talk to missionaries, and just learn from them.
i am looking forward to hopefully being able to catch up on some work and to spend some time just hanging out with people

until next time...

tapestry

2005-09-17T22:16:00.000-07:00

it is amazing isn't it...how life can be going on one minute, and the next-it is radically changed... your views are changed, you can sense that the future as you thought it would be has changed, and it is can be hard to accept...
however, as many of us long for life to go on seamlessly, perfectly, without error, without drama...
do we really long for that?
what is it that makes life beautiful?
i don't think it is the seamless moments, or the lack of difficult circumstances.
without the hard times, without the emotions, without the drama of life
there would be no richness, no depth...
this tapestry of life would be one color, rather than many different circumstances woven together
some painful threads
some joyful threads
some different beyond what we could have ever expected threads
some normal, day to day threads
some threads that can't even neccessarily be seen
and to know that the Master Craftsman's ways are not our ways...nor are His thoughts our thoughts.
no thread is placed without His knowledge
no stitch is made apart from His will
and the tapestry He weaves, though from close up may appear confused and jumbled
when it is finished it is more beautiful
it is stronger
it is ready to accomplish the purpose that it was created for-to bring its Creator, the Master Artist praise and glory for the work that He has done.

Who has measured the waters in the hollow of His hand and marked off the heavens with a span, enclosed the dust of the earth in a measure and weighed the mountains in scales and the hills in a balance?
Who has measured the Spirit of the Lord, or what man shows Him counsel?
Whom did He consult, and who made Him understand?
Who taught Him the path of justice, and taught Him knowledge, and showed Him the way of understanding?...
Do you not know? Do you not hear?
has it not been told you from the beginning? Have you not understood from the foundations of the earth?

IT IS HE who sits above the circle of the earth, and its inhabitants are like grasshoppers; who stretches out the heavens like a curtain, and spreads them like a tent to dwell in;
who brings princes to nothing, and makes the rulers of the earth as emptiness...

to WHOM WILL YOU COMPARE ME that I should be like him? says the Holy One? Lift up your eyes on high and see: who created these?
He who brings out their host by number, calling them all by name, by the greatness of his might, and because He is strong in power not one is missing.
why do you say, O Jacob, and speak, O Israel, "my way is hidden from the Lord, and my right is disregarded by my God"?
HAVE YOU NOT KNOWN??? HAVE YOU NOT HEARD???
The Lord is the everlasting God, the creator of the ends of the earth. He does not faint or grow weary; his understanding is unsearchable. He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might he increases strength.
even youths grow tired and weary
and young men shall fall exhausted;
but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strenght;
they shall mount up with wings like eagles;
they shall run and not be weary
they shall walk and not faint.

Isaiah 40

day starting: 3:30 am

2005-09-09T20:38:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was unique...
i awoke at 3:28 (actually before my alarm clock, which was set for 3:30) and got ready for my day-showered, dressed, hair done, make-up, time with God, and left at 5am for Rush Hospital. i was helping out with a film shoot for a church nearby. one of my profs had asked in class if anyone would be willing to help, and i jumped at the chance. it was my first experience with filming, and i must say it is fun to walk around downtown chicago with a boom mic, camera gear, and a sign that reads "crowd advisory: by walking in this area you give the consent to appear on film."
from going down the hospital corridor on a gurney holding a camera,
to avoiding the CTA authorities(because we didn't have documented permission) it was quite the experience,
fun
learned
most of all, became even more excited about film/video.

returned to moody about 10:40-
had class from 11-12:15,
work(babysitting in the loop) from 12:30-6:15,
Dr. Easley's inauguration at moody church at 7,
crash in bed at 10,
wake up at 9 friday(today)
go to chapel..
hear Howard Hendricks, an amazing teacher, man of God, he tells to ask ourselves three questions everyday
1)is the Lord well pleased? ...you can be successful in the evang. community and not in the eyes of God-our need for the Lord is not partial-its total...the Christian life is impossible-watch the danger of a misplaced confidence

2)Was the work well done? develop a passion for the gift God has given you...talent is cheap-dedication is costly-how disciplined are you? so many times we are aiming too low, and it is costing too little

3)Is the Word well used? Develop the attitude of a professional who will not settle for second class work...how do i use the word effectively? know it. live it...a lot of Christians are like poor photographs...overexposed, underdeveloped...

eat lunch,
sleep(power nap)
work at 2:30-my child's room,
learning baby furniture, cribs, changing tables, gliders, lots and lots of information,
until 8:30-back in my room
eat dinner
get online
find pictures from my friends wedding (tamara and attila in Hungary)-click here to see pictures!!!!
check email
blog
read
go to bed

sometimes, I revert back to junior high

2005-08-30T21:01:00.000-07:00

sometimes i feel like a silly little girl, giggling about things/so unimportant/yet in a sense i guess it touches on the deeper things of community, friendship, and joy.

My roomies and i each have "pursuers." It is the source of much laughter, and though we probably exagerate it quite a bit, and really (only one of us has any real evidence of an actual "pursuer") we just join in on the fun. My one roommate recieved 3 calls in one day from the same "person" inviting "all" of us to hang out at Quizno's. Funny, because every time this "person" only asked for her.
Tonight bethany and i went to study, and we joined my other roommie in the fireplace room...only to find her sitting next to "someone" "studying"...we spied on her through the huge fake flower arrangement on the table next to the couch we were sitting on. We laughed, wrote notes, whispered...chased her down after she tried to sneak out and hide in the bathroom...

of course, this loopiness may be a result of rearranging our room for the millionth time...deb brought a six foot couch into our room, and we had to move it all around again...our bunk beds are now stacked 3-high(they were three high before, just in a different arrangement)
we'll see what new adventures will await tomorrow at MBI

already eventful

2005-08-27T16:13:00.000-07:00

yesterday i went to a great coffee shop called the Bourgouis Pig. there were a couple independent musicians there performing live- folk pop. one of them, Dawn Xiana Moon, played and her lyrics were deeper...and there was just something about her...Listen to her and decide for yourself : )

Today i went to the new building on 61st street that Sunshine Gospel Ministries owns. They are in the process of gutting out the building, cleaning it out. click here to see what it looks like from the inside. needless to say i was covered in dirt by the time i got back on campus-yet it is so rewarding and such an encouragement to see the Body of Christ working together to accomplish goals for the Kingdom.

Rollerblading 101

2005-08-24T07:34:00.000-07:00

this semester i am taking a beginning rollerblading class...notice i said beginning
now, before i go any further, it is important to know that
1)i have never rollerbladed before
2)i have only rollerskated a handful of times at rollerworld, and that was a very VERY long time ago
3)i have ice skated once

so...as i looked over the classes i could take, and realized that i needed a p.e. credit, and thought rollerblading would be fun...i thought i would give it a shot

i know several people in the class, so a few of us walked over to class together. we were late (don't you hate that on the first day) and we couldn't find the room (probably because it was never written in our schedule.) we finally find the room and it is very small...in fact too small. the professor is very nice, and tells us we can pull out a few of the fold-out desks that are leaning on the wall.

always the one to be resourceful, i chose a desk (while others just sat on the floor...)
i unfolded the desk (kind of) and felt i was drawing to much attention, so i just sat down...but you see the desk wasn't unfolded all of the way-so i drew even more attention when i sat down and the desk very abruptly opened all of the way...

we had a brief lecture on the benifits of rollerblading and health stuff...
fact: rollerblading for 1/2 hour burns 300 calories
fact: rollerblading puts less tension on muscles and joints than running or other high imipact sports (in theory...that is if you don't fall, roll into traffic, etc)
fact: they actually make padded shorts for rollerbladers ( i may think of investing in some...)
fact: in order to lose 1 lb, 3500 calories must be burned

after briefly looking at the parts of the rollerblade (we will be quized on it later)
we headed outside to the parking lot....

when we got outside we put our rollerblades on...then the prof told us to stretch...

now, for someone who has rollerbladed before, this task may have not seemed so daunting, but as i hugged the side of the building and tried to lift my leg for a hamstring stretch, i realized that the only result of this would be certain death...or at least falling flat on my face...so i wheeled/scooted/pulled myself around the corner and hid.

After stretching the majority of the class...ok everyone except me and another brave soul began rollerblading around the parking lot in a circle. I learned how to stand, then roll, then kind of stop. now i was able to get the going part, it was just the stopping part that was giving me difficulties.(i don't know, but if i am going to be rollerblading down sidewalks and across streets-it seems pretty important)
well...the super nice professor told me to roll to her and stop-in order to work on knowing the distance needed for stopping. after a few times of this, she told me to pick up speed and then stop-well, i did pick up speed and as i tried to stop, i instead ran right into my professor, knocking her down, scraping both my elbows, and hitting my head....and i got up again/making some cheesy comment about how rollerblading was like getting back on a horse after they had bucked you off...

then, as time went on, my confidence in balance a little better, i joined the circle of rollerbladers...i was doing great...

then, the prof said we were going to play a game-where we would be in two teams, each forming a line, and we would skate around, rotating the person who was in the lead....

so, i am in the middle of the line, basically holding on for dear life while we skate, faster, faster, faster...to fast as we were making the turn i suddenly did not have control-my feet went straight, my body kept turning, and i fell, causing my friend mark who was behind me to literally fly over me and fall, causing the entire team to lose their balance and a select other few people to fall....

thankfully everyone was extremely gracious, and it was fun...
next tuesday i am wearing a helmet, wrist guards (my roommate found me some for 10 dollars...so exciting)

needless to say-this story has provided much entertainment the last few days.

back in Michigan

2005-08-09T05:51:00.000-07:00

I arrived back in Michigan a couple of days ago...it is amazing to look back over the summer and see 1)how quickly it went by, 2)that I am already wanting to go back to Chicago, and 3)the biggest thing...how much I have learned. This summer has been growing, learning, stretching, challenging, exciting...
the first week of the summer was spent in Memphis, TN. We lived in a neighborhood called Binghampton, and stayed in a vacant apartment there, working with Eikon Ministries. Our first "culture shock" came when we first arrived and noticed a cockroach dead on the floor right by the front door. Optimistically, i tried to encourage the group..."well..at least it is dead....that is a good sign, right?" Unfortunately, optimism does not always mirror reality.
we began noticing these "friends" appearing everywhere-in our bags, the kitchen, the bathroom, the couch. Our response at the beginning of the week was screaming, running, (staying up all night with the light on, watching the door to our bedroom for any intruders). However, by the second day, we began to fight back...squashing the roaches with our flip-flops-by the end of the week it really wasn't that bad.
While in Memphis we helped out at a community center nearby-they run an afterschool program and are very understaffed. We helped out with the different game times/i helped clean two huge fish tanks, and we had a chance to spend time with some of the kids.
we also had the chance to hold a small 3-day basketball camp on our block...many kids came. We played games with the younger kids while the guys played ball with the older ones. The second to last day, we presented a skit, shared the gospel-and kids came to Christ! The last day the gospel was presented again and more people came to Christ-including two moms! As our team reflected over this, we were amazed. People coming to Christ was not a result of anything we did in our power. It was God drawing these people to himself, and we were privelaged to be his instruments-to share in the work that he has already been doing there.
Also in Memphis, we had the chance to go to the Civil Rights Museum. It is built around the hotel where Martin Luther King Jr. was assassinated. It was so impactful-and is so amazing to think that it was not so long ago that racism and segregation so permeated society...and then to realize that in many ways-it still does. And what a contrast it was for our team (a team of different ethnicities, home backgrounds, church backgrounds) to walk past exhibits that showed that segregation.

We left Memphis in our donated van (an astro), and our leader's minivan, and headed back to Chicago. There, we (the girls) stayed in a family from the church's garden apt. no cockroaches. the guys stayed in an apt at the church.
One of the first things we did was help out at "The House" a hip-hop youth service in Lawndale.
During the service we were able to get involved- i helped out with a drama-and was able to pray with a couple of girls after the service-who wanted to get serious about their faith.

We also had the amazing opportunity to work with Kids' Club in Cabrini Green. Kids' Club is a ministry through Moody Church. They have an afterschool program for the kids that struggle in school, and many come to Christ as a result of this ministry. We helped them advertise for thier summer "Sidewalk Sunday School!" We passed out fliers and candy, walking through the row houses, talking with families- the next day a couple of us went into some of the high rises to pass out fliers again.
Gang symbols on painted walls
the smell of urine
profanity
a little girl swinging from a makeshift swing, made out of a pillow and rope
boys fixing a bike
playing basketball
children laughing
metal fence around the buildings
barbeque
community
double-dutch
music

a few days later we went back to Kids' Club again, but this time it was for a different reason. We helped out at a funeral of an 18 year old boy who had been shot. The pastor had done 7 funerals of boys under the age of 18 in 12 days. This young man was a follower of Christ, and it was such a reminder of the urgency to share Christ...we never know how long we have-life is so short.

Our summer also consisted of helping out at sports camps, helping a school in the area move some boxes, desks, etc..., office work at Kids' Club, office work at Holy Trinity Church, Bible study (discourse analysis), and eating lots of chocolate. To write everything would take forever...as i have already written so much. These are just a few snapshots...
thanks for your prayers, encouragement...
hope your summer is going well
mar

life in Hyde Park

2005-07-22T20:10:00.000-07:00

so...i know it has been a while, and even this little update will be extremely short...sorry.
We have been crazy busy, learning, growing, being challenged-and God is so faithful. I will write more in detail soon, but for now, here is a brief glimpse into the last few weeks
Memphis, TN
Civil Rights Museum
Kids...tons of kids
basketball
sharing Jesus' love
kids coming to Christ
moms coming to Christ
helping out at the community center
cleaning 2 giant fish tanks
first-screaming at the sight of cockroaches crawling in my bag-eventually killing them without mercy or second thought
eating carrots and grahm crackers for breakfast
watching "Bewitched"
road trip
knock-knock jokes
relay games
Chicago
five girls in a garden apartment
walking, walking, walking....and walking
passing out fliers
a carnival with over 300 kids showing up
face-painting non-stop
being caught in a rain storm, invited into someones home to stay dry-an hour long conversation about Truth
VBS
getting the material for VBS 3 minutes before it started
teaching the material for VBS
learning to be assertive
prayer
challenging
Working with Kid's Club in Cabrini
Hip-hop church service
eating lots of rice, pasta, and donated chicken
4 girls in a grocery store...sent to buy milk an bread...returning with chocolate and moostracks ice cream
waking up at 5:30am
sleeping in is 7am
being invited to eat dinner in wonderful homes
playing my guitar
drawing with charcoal on newspaper
too much caffeine
eating cereal out of cups
Roman's Road
Asking others "who is Jesus?"
good conversation
and finally
very little extended time of internet access
love you all
mar

The World's Largest Buffalo

2005-05-28T11:49:00.000-07:00

Most states are known for one main thing. Michigan is known for its lakes. Florida for its sun. Colorado for its mountains. Kentucky for its horse farms.

North Dakota is known for having the world's largest buffalo.

I flew into Jamestown around noon on Tuesday, after a quick stop in Aberdeen SD where everyone (excepting myself, of course) got off the plane. From Aberdeen to Jamestown I had my own private flight, and had to move a few rows back to (as I was told) "equalize the weight of the plane since i was the only passenger"....still haven't figured out the reasons exactly-and frankly it kind of scares me that one person could throw off the balance of a commercial airplane, and that by moving 3 rows back the problem is solved...
I even got to hear the "ladies and gentlemen. thank you for choosing to fly northwest today. please make sure your seats and tray tables are in their upright and locked positions..."

I hadn't seen Heidi since December of 2003, so of course, i was super excited. We were in Jamestown until Friday at her apartment. During that time

we went to see the world's largest buffalo, a fifty foot statue made out of cement that overlooks the entire town of Jamestown.

we toured the booming town of frontier village, a tourist trap ( i think we were the only ones there.)

I was carded for trying to buy cold medicine at the local wal-mart, and since i didn't have ID on me, i recieved a reciept that said "underage...denied sale by federal law." I just looked at the cashier, as i held my kleenex box in one hand, and my eyes watered with sinus congestion. So, Heidi had to buy it for me.

we went to the buffalo museum, which cost $5, so instead we went to the gift store. I never knew that so many things could have a buffalo theme.

I helped Heidi decorate her apartment more, we baked a lot, watched some movies, and I was able to meet some of her residents (from the nursing home where she works.)

I am now at her home in Maddock, a booming town of 500. The house is beautiful, overlooking fields complete with porch and porch swing. It has been such a blessing, and encouragement, as well as much fun to be here. I will be returning back to the great lake state on Tuesday.

home again

2005-05-15T18:45:00.000-07:00

well...it has been a while since i have added to my blog...last week was finals week, and i feel pretty good about the semester. I have learned so much about God's faithfulness, and how his faithfulness is not dependent on my faithfulness. God is faithful, that is who he is, and he has plans for us that are way better than we could ever imagine up or try to orchestrate on our own. I am learning so much more about what it means to trust in him, and a result of that trust is ultimately surrender. i feel like i am barely scratching the surface when it comes to understanding all of this, but i have fallen more in love with my Savior these past few months, and looking back at this past year, i can clearly see God's hand directing me to where i am now. It is easy to try to imagine what the end result of all of this will be, and to try to plan my life now for what might happen in the future. However, I know that I must learn to take it day by day, moment by moment living for Christ. One of my favorite quotes.."wherever you are, be there." I don't want to miss out on what is in store for me know by living too far ahead.

Saturday morning, about 12:30 am, justin and katie arrived at moody to pick me up and bring me home...didn't get back until 5 am...was pretty tired...slept until 3 in the afternoon. It is so nice to be home, surrounded by trees, grapevinyards, horses, and of course...
the smell of dad's cooking
mom waking up at 5am
jeanette riding horses down the hill with student in tow
mom falling asleep on the couch around 9, sleeping soundly and then finally going to bed around 10.
dad falling asleep around 10, sleeping soundly until 11, calling the cat inside the house, doing dishes, then going to bed.
TVEC talk
filling water tanks, moving hoses, throwing hay
seeing 5 people i know in the check-out at the grocery store
leaving the car unlocked in the parking lot with keys inside
contemplating with katie if the horse treats in the fridge are alright for human consumption
black skies at night, bright stars
the smell of freshly cut grass
the sound of horses running in the pasture
home.

What North Dakota, Memphis, Chicago, Horseback riding lessons, soccer, and basketball all have in common

2005-04-25T19:31:00.000-07:00

the answer?
my summer vacation!!!!
I am so incredibly excited about the few months off of school. after finishing..i will be returning to michigan may 14, i will be home for about one week..looking forward to family time, friends time, reading, watching movies, taking walks in the woods...all that good stuff.
the next week i am going to visit one of the most amazing people i know-a good friend from North Dakota (Heidi B.) and spend an entire week with her! we were able to find an incredible deal on plane tickets, and the timing worked out wonderfully.
following that, i will again be home for a few weeks, teaching some riding lessons, once again hanging out with the fam, friends, and if anyone needs a babysitter...let me know.
then, from june 23-aug 5 I am doing a 6 week internship here in the city again. the first week of the internship will be in memphis tennessee where our team will get to know each other, and where we will help out with a local ministry. we will come back to chicago, helping out with a soccer camp, a basketball camp (which i have been told will have nba b-ball players helping out at), and just learning more about this city, what ministry is like here-learning how to get past stereotypes, eating dinner at various ministry's leaders homes...it is also a paid internship-which will be needed to help out with next semester.

following that internship i will be coming home for a few weeks until aug. 22, when i come back to school for the fall semester.
I am so excited about this summer, and i know that i will be stretched in new ways. God is so good-just in how opportunities have been falling into my lap..he is our Provider!

he must become greater...i must become less

2005-04-03T22:12:00.000-07:00

"it is often thus, that when we begin with good intentions in the eyes of God, a secret tagalong yen for the praise of our fellow men comes along, taking hold of our intentions from the side of the road. we take food, for example, out of necessity, but while we are eating, a gluttonous spirit creeps in and we begin to take delight in the eating for its own sake; so often it happens that what began as nourishment to protect our health ends by becoming a pretext for our pleasures. we must admit therefore that our intention, which seek to please God alone, is sometimes treacherously accompanied by a less-righteous intention that seeks to please other men by exploiting the gifts of God."
-Pope Gregory I

"Jesus knew that the Father had given him authority over everything and that he had come from God and would return to God. So he got up from the table, took off his robe, wrapped a towel around his waist, poured water into a basin. then he began to wash the disciples feet, drying them with the towel"
John 13:3-5

"You must have the same attitude that Christ Jesus had. Though he was God, he did not think of equality with God as something to cling to. Instead, he gave up his divine privileges, he took the humble position of a slave and was born as a human being. When he appeared in human form, he humbled himself in obedience to God and died a criminal's death on a cross. Therefore, God elevated him to the place of highest honor and gave him the name above all other names, that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tounge confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father."

a walk in the rain

2005-03-31T20:13:00.000-08:00

the rain falls in chicago...acid rain maybe...but there is still that romantic sense of walking in the city, in the rain, in search of adventure...and also the very high likelyhood of encountering gigantic mud puddles or being splashed by cars driving through them...

but that didn't stop 3 brave girls from challenging the weather head on-equipped with flip-flops, no umbrellas, and definately no umbrella hats. for my friend's b-day we went to a little coffee shop only a few stops away on the brown line, while lightning lit up the sky, rain poured down, and clouds of dark blue and silver raced across the skyline...

rain falling,
an espresso machine
damp clothing, damp hair, water spots on eye-glasses
chai tea
hot-chocolate
a small round table by an open window
quaint
warm
comforting
a break from the routine
laughter
conversation
the fellowship of friends
(just for BNicoleJ...)

Back in Chicago!

2005-03-22T06:31:00.001-08:00

well...i had written a very detailed blog upon my return from turkey...but somehow it erased before i was able to publish this post...and the second time around is never the same, but i will do my best to redo what i undid...anyway...

it is hard to believe that only a few days ago i was eight hours on the other side of the world, and now back in chicago, life is going on as usual-except for the profound impact that place had on me...that continues to be in my mind and heart.
waking up to the call to prayer at five thirty in the morning, the sound of a soothing-unfamilliar language, turkish breakfast-fresh bread, olives, glasses of tea (once 15 glasses in one day!) chocolate cake, fetta cheese, turkish coffee (which if you are not familliar with-just try it...actual grounds, sugar, and water mixed and heated together, then poured into tiny espresso cups), minarets pointed heavenward, the clicking of prayer beads, rugs of red and brown covered with intricate designs-trod upon by bare feet, the flowing of scarves over dark hair, facing toward mecca, the eye of allah, the beautiful snow covered mountains of kayseri, the history of the hagia sophia, sunlight through stained glass of the blue mosque, the sound of children laughing, the smell of cigarette smoke mixed with tea, cobblestone streets...
...the absence of Truth

we flew into ankara on monday night, stayed with a wonderful "m" family, who put us on a bus the next morning for the city of bolu. in bolu we stayed with two turkish muslim girls, both nursing students at the nearby university-it was such a great experience with 'emel' and 'felize'. emel spoke enough english that we were able to communicate-we talked about politics, culture, religion, and family (i have to say...many turkish families put our families to shame..) the language barrier only allowed our conversations to go so deep, but it was so good to talk to them, learn from them, and talk to them a little about what we believe...
from there we went to an "m" conference in ankara-just talking with the workers, sitting in on meetings, and asking tons of questions...those amazing people just poured into us, taught us, encouraged us, and asked us challenging-thought provoking questions that even now i am still mulling over.
from ankara we took a bus to the center of turkey to kayseri-one of the most beautiful places i have ever been...we stayed with a family that my friend had stayed with before-they have three adorable children..twins-4 years old, and a 2 year old. we spent much of our time in a rug store with metin, thier uncle-hanging out, playing cards, speaking as much as we could (almost no english spoken this time) walking around...
praying...
from kayseri we took a 12 hour bus to istanbul, where, on our own-we navigated that ancient city with the greatest of ease...kind of...it is a long story, but basically-no one spoke english when we got off our bus, no map in hand-just two american girls with hiking backpacks, a duffle bag, a backpack, a plastic bag with random items, and a rug---we didn't stick out at all...
we finally figured out that the ferry we were supposed to take was not working, so we climbed into a tiny blue sardine can bus that seemed to be going to the right place...an hour later we arrived in the downtown part of istanbul-we could see the hagia sophia (once a christian church built by constantine-then a mosque-now a museum)...we walked along strange side streets, uphill..untill arriving at a decent looking hotel where we got ripped off...but it was an adventure for sure..
it was so strange to walk into the hagia sophia, to see crosses that had been scratched out, where images of the resurrection had been plastered over, painted over, covered up...and yet to still see images of jesus remaining on the walls amidst the names of allah and muhammed...to see turkish children on field trips-learning from thier teachers...the song that came into my head...
"can a nation be changed?..can a nation be saved?...can a nation be turned back to you?...we're on our knees, we're on our knees again..."

i love acts 17
"he is the God who made the world and everything in it. since he is the lord of heaven and earth, he doesn't live in man-made temples, and human hands can't serve his needs-for he has no needs. he himself gives life and breath to everything, and he satisfies every need. from one man he created all the nations throughout the whole earth.
he decided beforehand when they should rise and fall, and he determined thier boundaries. his purpose was for the nations to seek after God and perhaps find him-though he is not far from any one of us. for in him we live and move and exist..."

God is moving in turkey...though it may not be obvious to the visitor, this country, having between 4 and 5 thousand believers..including workers is gradually being exposed to Truth once again...the region of galatia, cappadocia, the town of antioch-where believers were first called christians, ephesus...all located in this place. pray for turkey...pray for the workers there..pray that the gospel of Jesus Christ will be heard, and that Truth will be proclaimed once again.

as for me...who knows...maybe i will be back there again someday...

Destination: Turkey

2005-02-24T07:02:00.000-08:00

Sometimes God gives us opportunities that we would never excpect...i am going to Turkey in a little over a week! So crazy! It all started when last Tuesday I sat down to eat lunch in the SDR (Student Dining Room) next to a friend. Jokingly, she asked me if I wanted to go to Turkey with her for spring break...the girl that she was going to go go with had backed out last minute. Well...i actually put thought into it, prayed about it for a few days, and really feel like this is where the Lord wants me for spring break. I am so incredibly excited!
We will be staying with missionaries for a few days, and living with some girls our age while we are there. Just some quick facts about Turkey:
it is the largest unreached country in the world.
there are only about 3,000 believers in the entire country
it is 99.9% Muslim

Please pray for us, as we go, for divine appointments, conversations, and that we will both just draw so much closer to our Lord. Pray that we will both learn a lot, and that we can be an encouragement to the believers there.
In HIS strength-may i continue to decrease until people only see Him when they look at me.

Invisible Children

2005-02-16T17:37:00.000-08:00

Imagine you are eight years old. Every night you walk from your home on the outskirts of the city into town. There you try to find a safe place to sleep. You are not safe in your own bed at home. If you remain there, soldiers might come, kidnap you, and force you, if you are a boy, to fight in a war that is going on. You will learn how to shoot a gun, you may even be forced to kill your own family members, or other children. If you are abducted and try to escape, you will be killed without question, if you cry, you may be killed because that would mean you are thinking about home...and thinking about escaping. You may even be younger than eight years old-perhaps five. On a day, you may be told that you must kill 30 people, 40 people...
If you are a girl and are abducted, you will be sold in the sex trade, used as a sex toy by rebel soldiers... you may be as young as five. you may be as old as 18. and your home is not safe.
And you are not the only one...in fact there are thousands of you who are walking into town.
Unfortunately, this is not a fabricated scenario...it is very real, and it is getting worse...
In northern Uganda, thousands of children crowd into the cities at night for fear of being abducted. Many have lost brothers or sisters to the rebel soldiers...they all live in fear...
and most likely, you have never heard of them.
This past Tuesday i had the chance to see a documentary on this here at Moody. It is called Invisible Children.
The makers of the movie (one whom i was able to meet) originally went to Sudan to document the war going on there...however, they stumbled upon these children, with their camera from ebay, having never made a documentary before, and said "we found our story, we are staying here." They made a rough cut of it, brought it back, and have been touring the U.S. for the past six months, not only raising awareness, but informing people on how to be actively involved. One of the guys appeared on Oprah. They are returning in a month's time to finish the film, this time with 20 other videographers, and endorsements from Target, Starbucks, and Urban Outfitters.
If you would like more info, visit their website:
www.invisiblechildren.com

Indescribable

2005-02-10T11:49:00.000-08:00

From the highest of heights to the depths of the sea
Creation's revealing Your majesty
From the colors of fall to the fragrance of spring
Every creature unique in the song that it sings
All exclaiming

Indescribable, uncontainable,
You placed the stars in the sky and You know them by name.
You are amazing God
All powerful, untameable,
Awestruck we fall to our knees as we humbly proclaim
You are amazing God

Who has told every lightning bolt where it should go
Or seen heavenly storehouses laden with snow
Who imagined the sun and gives source to its light
Yet conceals it to bring us the coolness of night
None can fathom

Indescribable, uncontainable,
You placed the stars in the sky and You know them by name
You are amazing God
All powerful, untameable,
Awestruck we fall to our knees as we humbly proclaim
You are amazing God
You are amazing God

Indescribable, uncontainable,
You placed the stars in the sky and You know them by name.
You are amazing God
All powerful, untameable,
Awestruck we fall to our knees as we humbly proclaim
You are amazing God

Indescribable, uncontainable,
You placed the stars in the sky and You know them by name.
You are amazing God
Incomparable, unchangeable
You see the depths of my heart and You love me the same
You are amazing God
You are amazing God

God's Goodness as told by my random notes

2005-02-01T13:19:00.000-08:00

This past week-end i had the chance to go home, surprise my familiy (even though i only saw them for a few hours/minutes, and help out at camp winter retreat. It was so incredible to see everyone, hang out with the youth group, and play in the snow a little.
This week is Founder's week at Moody, so all classes are canceled and instead we go and listen to amazing speakers (3 a day!) it is a little tiring, but is a nice break from studying...which i should still be doing even though i don't have class...

This morning, Chip Ingram spoke about God's goodness, and i thought I would share my notes with you guys...they are a little random..the blanks aren't completley filled in, but the just of it is there.(the theme of Founder's week this year is Who is God?)

We need to desire to know God, not for who we want him to be, or who everyone has told us he is-but for who he truely is-all preconcieved ideas aside.
God is good: and he is good to us because he loves us-simply because he wants us to delight in him and he does want us to be happy- God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in him (a little john piper add-in there..).

So many times we have a low view of God-and how we think about God affects our response to him, and how we think God thinks about us will affect our relationship with him.
(it is like meeting someone for the first time, and stereotyping them by what we see on the surface....we may be intimidated by that person, and as a result, will not desire to get to know them (or whatever)...but when we do get to know that person and realize that they are amazing, not intimidating, and great to be around, we will respond differently to them.)

God is generous...and it has nothing to do with me...God is not good because I am good-he is good because he is good...nothing I can do can earn God's favor or blessing...he gives it out becasue he is generous..not because I deserve anything.

However, if we are to get that blessing, sometimes risk is involved. Where there is no risk there is no faith..if we will allow God to move us to that place that HE wants us/where he is wanting to give us something amazing-it will most likely be out of our comfort zone...it requires us to be moved beyond ourselves.

Jesus is the supreme expression of God's Goodness. the cross. While we were still sinners, Christ died for us that we may have access to the Father.

"And if anyone gives even a cup of cold water in my name..."

2005-01-24T11:27:00.000-08:00

Hello! Well, I am discovering why this place is called the windy city! It is frigid cold, and walking around in the blowing snow is not at the top of my list of things to do on an afternoon. the other day, one of my roommates (debbie) and I went to Jewel(a grocery store nearby) to pick up some stuff we needed. It was so cold, and we bought more food than we could carry...so we asked if we could borrow a cart to bring the food back (Jewel is like 4 or 5 blocks away) They said yes! So we started pushing our cart of groceries back, but the sidewalks were to slushy and snow covered, so we ended up having to carry all of the bags back...needless to say, it wasn't much fun.
Yet, I should not be complaining...i have a warm room to come back to, blankets, food...and there are many who do not even have a place to sleep-unless you count the bridge where there are roads stacked upon roads- a giant cement structure that is only meant for traveling through...some men call that thier home. Last night we (some of our bro-sis) went down to the bridge and passed out hot-dogs, water, socks, and hot-chocolate to some of the homeless men who stay down there in the winter. We were only there for a few hours, and my hands and feet were so incredibly cold...they have been there for several months. We walked along the sidewalks and stopped at mounds of blankets, giving water in Jesus' name and in this case, hot-chocolate as well...It is crazy that people live like this--one man, Arnold, we were talking to-he had a Bible passage taped to the wall- Part of Luke 12.
"And he(Jesus) told this parable: The ground of a certain rich man produced a good crop. He thought to himself, what shall I do? I have no place to store my crops. Then he said, 'this is whatI'll do-I will tear down my barns and build bigger ones, and there I will store all my grain and my goods.....But God said to him, "You fool! This very night your life will be demanded from you. Then who will get what you have prepared for yourself?" this is how it will be with anyone who stores up things for himself but is not rich toward God."

Then Jesus said to his disciples:
"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat; or what you will wear. Life is more than food and the body more than clothes. consider the ravens: they do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them. And how much more valuable you are than birds! Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?"

In Galatians, Paul is writing to the church there...basically getting up in their face and confronting them about things-accepting false teaching-putting too much emphasis on the law. Along with that, Chapter 2:10- he adds this. "They agreed that I should go to the Gentiles, and they to the Jews. All they asked was that we should continueto remember the poor, the very thing I was eager to do."

Have we gotten so comfortable in our Christianity that we have pushed aside the most obvious and important command? Love God and love your neighbor. And a heart that is truely loving God will produce fruit-that will be seen as an overflow of thier life. When we have gotten to the point of stagnancy-and seeking our own personal comfort and convienience- we have gotton to the point were we are decieving ourselves.
I can spend all week drawing from the well-taking these amazing classes from amazing profs, reading my Bible every day-praying, journaling...but faith without deeds is dead. If you take a cup and fill it with water and just allow it to sit there-it is going to get gross-water that is not moving is never safe to drink-it is often poisonous...we need to be constantly pouring out-because unless we are, our lives will be but stale, dim and fruitless.
I so often get caught up in my "ministry..." or "Christian stuff" that I forget the greatest commands of Christ. How will people known us as followers of Him? By our love.
It was so incredibly convicting to walk around amongst those men who have nothing. So I give this challenge to myself and everyone else- Share the well.

Comfort Zone...can't even see it anymore

2005-01-20T19:14:00.000-08:00

So, I have just returned from my PCM again tonight...and I should be reading for classes tomorrow, but thought I would take a little time to write something. Tonight went pretty well-it is so crazy that I am doing this-i met the only other Moody student who is helping out at the after-school program, and because our usual ride was not able to come, he had to drive us out there(it was only his second time driving in Chicago...) we made it though, and I am extremely thankful that I did not have to drive. There were about 40 kids there tonight, and though chaos was a part of the night, so was a chance for them to hear the gospel.
We help the kids with their homework for a while, and tonight, i encountered a crisis....are 5th graders supposed to be subtracting mixed fractions with uncommon denomonaters??????? (see...i don't even know how to spell denominater) I was no help to a couple of my girls because of this...and after being extremely angry with myself upon returning back to the dorm(angry because I always excused my math skills with the phrase "i will never use this...i want to go into ministry...") Well..never say never...especially when it comes to ministry...anyway...i made my friend meghan show me how to do that...and I am bound and determined to help those girls somehow next week. I told one of them, "I will show you how to subtract mixed fractions next week." and she looked at me with this raised eyebrow as if to say "no you won't.." That just makes me more determined...so if my studies slack off this next week-it is because I am learning math.

I am totally out of my comfort zone on this one...May God's glory be more clearly seen in my life through my weakness and insufficiencies....it is cool, though, as I look back over the past few years, I can see how different ministries that I have been involved with may contribute to helping me prepare for this one.

Last night I went with a friend to study at a coffee shop a little bit farther away from Moody...called uncommon ground. There was live music, we ordered hummus and coffee, and studied. As I was sitting there reading my "Encountering John" book (for Gospel of John class), it just hit me how amazing it is that I am here now...It is only because of God. And also, how cool that I was sitting in a coffee house, in a city, reading a book, while listening to live music, such a cool atmosphere-I love it here.

My first week, a sprained ankle, and tons of reading

2005-01-14T19:30:00.000-08:00

Well, i have successfully survived my first week in Chicago...the sense of direction is already starting to improve. I am loving my classes, and am so excited that I get to study the Bible...so amazing...i am still amazed that i am here... God is so incredibly good.
Moody is going to be a lot more work than I anticipated...i estimate that I will probably read btwn 100 and 200 pages a day on top additional assignments, tests, and quizzes...i am taking 16 hours, but they are all classes that I am thus far excited about going to. Please pray that as I am reading the Bible for my classes and reading other books, that I would never view the Bible as a textbook, and that I would keep Jesus my first love-that my studies would not get in the way with my relationship with God.

I went to my PCM for the first time on Thursday (practical christian ministry). It is down on the south side of Chicago and is a branch off of Sunshine Gospel ministries. I had no idea whatsoever of what to expect, but it went very well. I am working with inner city kids, 7-13 year olds, helping out in an afterschool program. We play games with the kids (aka run off thier energy) and then we tutor them, help them with thier school work(some of them are smarter than me...10 year olds aren't supposed to be on exponents are they???) and then there is a brief Bible teaching time (not too long-short attention spans), and then we eat food, and they go home. It is so cool, and it will probably be the most challenging thing I have ever done, but through my inadequecies, though I am unqualified, God's glory can be more clearly revealed, and then maybe I can get out of the way so he can work...God doesn't call the qualified, he qualifies the called.
There are only 2 or 3 other moody students helping out with this ministry, and they are in need of some more volunteers-so that is a prayer request with that, and just for me, that i will have wisdom, discernment, and an amazing heart for these kids.
So, i sprained my ankle at my pcm...i was playing frisbee with some kids and stepped in a hole in the floor as i leaped to catch the frisbee-anyways...it didn't hurt until a few hours later, and now I am wearing a brace and icing it....so dumb...
anyways...i hope all is well with all of you. have a wonderful weekend.

Hello from Chicago!

2005-01-10T11:23:00.000-08:00

Well...i am sitting in a room at Moody Bible Institute writing this. How crazy and amazing to think of how I have ended up here. Orientation went very well-i was able to meet tons of other people, have been getting to know my roommies, and have caught up with several people that I know. (by the way...our room is AMAZING!!! We are in an old apartment complete with kitchen, large fridge, oven, cupboard, we each have our own closet, a linen closet, and our own bathroom-we also have two large rooms...one for sleeping,one for studying..and the best part is our amazing view of the city.) We have been having a blast, for example: last night we went with our brother floor (each dorm has a brother or sister floor who hang out together and do fun things..) to Giordonnos(Sp?) pizza and hung out, got to know some more people...It has been incredible thus far. Today I had two classes, and am now done for the day-they both went really well: one is evangelism and disciplemaking, and the other is Christianity and Western Culture.

You know that feeling when you know you are totally where you are supposed to be? Yeah...pretty much feeling that. Don't get me wrong..i know this won't be the easiest thing I have ever done...i know there will be struggles-but looking back over the past year and a half, i can say with confidence that God has brought me here right now, for a reason. May he be glorified in my life, and I hope that I will be used, stretched, and broken in ways I have never been before.
Have an amazing week-

Happy New Year!!

2005-01-02T11:22:00.000-08:00

It is so hard to believe that it is 2005. I am starting to feel old(now, I can't say I graduated last year-i have to say I graduated 2 years ago...) I have decided to make a list of New Year's Resolutions.

1. I will eat more fruit
2. I will actually finish a movie that I start to make on my computer
3. I will memorize more scripture-all of 1 John by the end of the year
4. I will drink more water throughout the day
5. I will actually study for my classes
6. I will not watch as many movies (ok...this one is kind of cheating because at Moody we aren't allowed to watch movies on campus i don't think)
7. And finally, the continually renewing resolution for me (I think I decide to do this every year...) I will be more organized!

Thursday I leave for Moody! Only a few days away. I am so excited...my next update will be from on campus. Have a beautiful week!

Going to Moody January 6!!!

2004-12-22T16:49:00.000-08:00

Well, today I got my information packet...I'm going to Chicago in less than one month. Seems so crazy, but i am so incredibly excited. I will have three days of orientation, and then will be jumping right back into college life. I must admit, though i am super excited-i am also overwhelmed. This is totally something God-sized. I think that is how he works though, because through my weaknesses and insufficiencies, his glory can be more clearly revealed. A girl from a town of about 3,000, having no traffic light in it, going to Chicago. A girl who hates studying having to study more than ever (no slacking off this time)... If I had known a few years ago that this is where I would be someday, i would have never believed it. It is like the story of a father who asked his son to go out alone at night to get a tool from the barn. The boy was scared, so his father gave him a lantern to give him light. "Just keep walking to the edge of the light." The father told him. I think so often God only reveals to the "edge of the light" because if we saw the whole picture 1) we would stop trusting him, and 2) for myself at least, I would probably say "No way!"
How amazing to have a heavenly Father who not only knows our deepest desires and fears, but who works with us, patiently listening to us doubt him, and continually reminding us to trust him. His plan is so much bigger than I could ever plan or even imagine-and as i continue to fall more in love with Jesus, may all fade away to be but a backdrop in comparison to the riches of knowing God, and of living my life-not year by year or even week by week-but moment by moment, until my footsteps lead me to the place where i will see him face-to-face.